As I continue to study on masculinity, femininity, and the divergence of gender roles, I have found there are three camps when it comes to interpreting Ephesians 5:22—“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”
There are those who take it literally. They are a slim minority.
There are egalitarians who perform textual mental gymnastics to try to make the verse mean the opposite of what it says. They are a sizable, vocal minority.
There are those who say they believe it, but functionally do not take it seriously at all. This is the overwhelming majority.
That final group is the main focus of my writing on this topic. There was a time when the husband was clearly the head of his home, but in practical terms, that isn’t really the case in most Christian households anymore.
We simply stopped believing Ephesians 5:22, and that is reflected in our view of headship and the way we talk about it.
A few weeks ago I put a call out to my Facebook group (join us!), with the following request:
As I continue the study on gender roles, I want to compile a list of as many “humorous,” commonly used anti-headship quips as I can.
For example:
“I’m the head of the household, and I know that because my wife said so.”
Over the years I’ve heard a ton of these, and so I’m sure I’m missing some now. Got any you can share?
Sadly, the responses were plentiful. Here’s what the group had to say:
“The husband is the head, but the wife is the neck that turns the head.”
“Best two phrases you can learn as a husband: ‘Yes dear’ and ‘You’re right!’” This “joke” was recited to me numerous times while I was engaged.
I have seen a note that says, “All husbands choosing paint colors must have a signed note from their wife” posted at our local paint store.
The bathroom signs that say “Men to the left because women are always right”
“Mr. Right” and “Mrs. Always Right” matching mugs
Men control 70% of the money in this world and women only control 30%, but women control 100% of the affection in this world so therefore they control 130% of the money.
My X used to ask me, ‘Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?’
And she meant it.
I wear the pants in my house! My wife just picked them out for me and tells me when to get dressed.
A pastor announced, “If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left”.
All the men in the church moved to the left except one man.
The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked, “How come your wife can’t control you?”
The man quietly replied, “It’s my wife who told me not to move”.
The husband says, “Let me check with the boss,” or one of his friends tells him to “check with the boss.”
Happy wife, happy life. If Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.
Behind every successful man is a woman telling him he’s wrong
I’ve heard almost all of those at some time or another, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you have, too. I’ll throw another one in for good measure—“Looks like your wife has her hands full with all those kids, and that one big kid!”
Many will hand-wave all of these quips away as harmless and just in good fun, but notice a few things…
The jokes don’t go the other way
If a man quipped that his wife needed to choose between being right or being happy, the word “abuse” would probably be floated by somebody. Young brides aren’t told to start practicing saying “Yes, dear.”
The whipped, henpecked, dare I say submissive husband who needs to learn to get in line is a regular feature of our cultural view on marriage, and the church has unthinkingly swallowed it hook, line, and sinker. The TV repeatedly tells us that men are stupid and immature and need to be bailed out by their wives.
Comedian Nate Bargatze is about to release his new bumbling idiot dad movie, another in a long line of Hollywood products pushing the trope. Remind me: when was the last time a poor, put-upon husband had to repeatedly bail out his incompetent wife in a movie?
To be clear, I’m not arguing the jokes should go the other way. Rather, I’m arguing that if the jokes really are this harmless and not a way to undermine Biblical roles, then people would have no problem being consistent and going both directions. In my view, mutual respect should keep us from tossing these barbs at each other.
The seriousness is undermined
This stuff matters. Homes work well when they work according to God’s design, and well-running homes lead to happy men, women, and children, strong churches, and better-run societies. So much is at stake here, but it’s a joke to us. And the results show.
On top of that, we still uphold half of the bargain. Men are expected to sacrificially care for their families, and regularly get reminded to step up and carry out their responsibilities. But then we take away the actual authority to do the job, along with any honor that comes with the role. That’s a lousy deal.
It violates the Scripture
I don’t think anyone makes those jokes with this in mind, but the end result is that the funny little quips completely subvert the Scriptures. That’s not so funny at all.
“He’s the head but she’s the neck that turns the head” and “He wears the pants, but she picks them out” obviously mean one thing: we’re going to say he’s in charge, but deep down we all know she is.
Go read Ephesians 5:22-33 and 1 Peter 3:1-7 and see if either apostle either said or implied the kinds of things we say and imply. Peter said Sarah called Abraham “lord.” We teach men to call their wives “the boss.”
The Alternative
Plenty of Christian couples don’t make those jokes, but occasionally you’ll meet a husband and wife who go the opposite direction. They constantly speak highly of each other. It’s clear to all who know them that she respects him and submits to his leadership, and he loves and cherishes her deeply.
Isn’t that better? In a world that pits husbands and wives against each other and eggs women on to disrespect their husbands (contra Ephesians 5:33) and men on to resent their wives (contra Colossians 3:19), shouldn’t Christian couples be showing a different way—a way that not-so-coincidentally makes everyone happier?
Can’t a woman appreciate the sacrifices her husband makes to lead and care for the family? Can’t a man praise his wife like the husbands in Proverbs 31 without demeaning himself and talking about how she’s his superior in every way?
Wouldn’t it be cool if young people had a positive vision of what they’re signing up for, with a young man aspiring to be a respected leader and provider for a woman he cherishes, and with a young woman aspiring to submit to and make a home for the man whose name she proudly takes?
No, instead, we joke to the young man that he better get ready to be whipped into submission. We joke to the young woman to keep him under her thumb and to use her leverage to get what she wants. Not great!
I know people really think they’re being funny with these jokes, but in practical terms, we don’t believe the Bible verses that these jokes subvert. Any time we find we haven’t believed God, the response is obvious: repent, and go a better way.
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Notes
This is the fifth in an ongoing series of posts about masculinity, femininity, and our differing roles. See previous posts linked below.
