In last week’s post I said that I’m going to be looking at men’s and women’s roles in the coming weeks.
Unfortunately, I’m almost certain I already know how this series will be misconstrued by those who disagree.
“So, men just get to do whatever they want?”
“Wow, he must run right over his wife.”
“Sounds like you just want men to dominate women.”
That’s not what I’m saying, but that’s what it will look like and be taken as by some. Why?
Most gender discourse in Christianity sets up a false dichotomy—one we should strongly reject.
False dichotomies serve the purpose of attempting to convince the listener that only two options exist: a preferred option, and a distasteful alternative that most people will reject without a second thought.
But there’s the issue: we don’t have only two options.
In many cases there’s at least one more option. False dichotomies are developed to keep anyone from considering any alternatives.
In the choice of Biblical headship, the false dichotomy sets up a choice between dictatorial leadership, or “servant leadership” which sounds nice and Biblical, but in practice almost aways means being a doormat.
So much ink has been spilled to explain why husbands don’t get to run over their wives—which, amen, brother—but the baby is usually thrown out with the bathwater in the process, eliminating headship altogether in favor of door-mat-ism.
These are not the only options, and Scripture sets us straight.
The Bible’s Balanced View
In Matthew 20:25-28, Jesus said:
You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.
(NASB95)
This establishes the idea that when Jesus makes someone a leader, He is not giving them a pass to run roughshod over those in their care. In a marriage, this means that a husband’s headship is not license to do whatever he wants, but must serve lovingly, as Jesus did (cf. Ephesians 5:25). That’s the point everyone agrees with, though.
On the other hand, we have 1 Timothy 3:4-5 and 3:12. Elders and deacons, called to be exemplary men of the church, are both listed as men who rule their households well. Modern translations have softened that to manage, but that’s not what it means. Per BDAG, it’s defined as “to exercise a position of leadership, rule, direct, be at the head (of).”1
That’s a word that’s also used for elders in 1 Thessalonians 5:12 and 1 Timothy 5:17. They, too, are supposed to rule without “lording over.”
This is a hard truth to square if we’re going to keep our false dichotomy:
According to the Bible, a man can rule his household well… and yet not violate Jesus’ command that leaders must serve.
A man’s rule over his house or the church certainly can be sinful chauvinism, but it doesn’t have to be. Under the false dichotomy, he either throws his weight around to get his way at every turn, or he never puts his foot down on anything lest he look like he is “lording it over.” Submission, then, means either getting run over, or submitting “if you feel he’s doing his job right.”
Ideally, a man should love his wife and children, care for them, and know them and their wants and needs. Their perspectives should be factored in to every decision he makes for the home. However, those are not the only factors.
Sometimes he’s going to give their views full consideration and still decide to go another direction. This does not mean he has trampled anyone. It means he has made the decision he feels will best serve his goal of having a God-honoring, healthy family.
What that means for submission
As for submission, that means she needs to accept his direction of the home, whether she likes it or not, and whether she thinks he considered her perspective well enough or not. Too many times we give a pass here.
Yes, it’s true that he’s easier to follow when he is loving and considerate, but her submission was not given that condition as an out. It’s just as true that it’s easier for him to love her well when she is respectful and submissive, but no husband gets a pass for not loving his wife just because she isn’t playing her part well enough. Wives don’t get that pass either.
The husband has to work diligently to know the Word, prayerfully submit to God, seek wise counsel, stay in touch with his family, and make decisions knowing that he will bear the weight of them. This is not some easy way out. Domination is an easy way out. Abdication is an easy way out. True leadership is not.
The wife has to work diligently to be a “gentle and quiet spirit” (1 Peter 3:4) while sharing her thoughts with her husband, to trust him to lead even if she doesn’t agree with his leadership, and to train herself to not fear when she lets go of the reins (1 Peter 3:6). This is not an easy way out, either. Getting run over is easy. Leading from behind through manipulation to get one’s way is easy. True submission is not.
Walk down the middle
We can teach the Biblical ideals of father-ruled homes and elder-ruled churches and man-ruled countries without turning it into brutal dictatorship. (If you bristle at the word rule, remember that God’s word choice and not mine.) And, we can teach service and consideration without turning them into door-mat-ism.
Here’s the problem, though: in a culture that has been taught door-mat-ism as leadership, any actual leadership will look like overreach.
So, as I explore gender roles in the coming weeks’ posts, I’m writing this post to have something I can point back to every time someone makes the charge that I’m advocating male dictatorship. I’ve said no such thing, and truly overreaching leadership should be rebuked.
But I also maintain that headship is not inherently dictatorial. It may look that way to those who believe all submission is oppression, but that does not make it so. Reject the false dichotomy.
Notes
My baptism debate on Iron Sharpens Iron Radio is coming up in two weeks (3/19)! Keep an eye out for streaming details as the date nears, and please pray that I would represent the truth well.
We also found out recently that - somehow - we’re having twins for the second time! Please say a prayer for my wife and the little ones, and for me as I strive to care for my family.
You can grab a complimentary digital copy of my new book You Are Saved when you become a supporting subscriber!
William Arndt et al., A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2000), 870.
