This is the sixth in an ongoing series of posts about masculinity, femininity, and our differing roles. See previous posts here.
So much has been said, here and elsewhere, about the painful lack of leadership in our day. Where are the men we can look to to lead the way and put a stop to the decline we’ve seen in the culture, the church, and the home?
As we look for such men, and as we look to build up the next generations of leadership, there’s one particular obstacle we’re going to have to overcome.
One of the biggest reasons we have a shortage of leadership:
lack of moral credibility.
The best leaders are the people we can put our trust in, and men who have skeletons in the closet or clear moral shortcomings are not the kind of people who create trust in their followers. It’s only natural for the crowd to ask questions like:
Is this person’s character consistent with his message?
Is he willing to apply his judgments of right and wrong to himself?
How is he going to lead us somewhere he isn’t willing to go?
There’s a reason elders have to be “above reproach” (1 Timothy 3:2). In any setting, if the people under a man’s authority don’t trust him, their relationship will inevitably be strained and his ability to drive change will be hindered. Of course, this extends to leaders of any kind—parents, husbands, elders, elected officials, bosses, whoever.
However, as I’ve been writing on roles in marriage, and that is humankind’s most basic relationship from which all others flow, I’m going to stick with that one for the purpose of this article.
As the head, the husband won’t be a perfect human being, but his actions should be consistent with the culture he’s trying to establish in the home. When they aren’t consistent, he should acknowledge his error and do better. But when he won’t do this…
Two things happen.
One, his wife (and eventually his kids) may take the excuse to stop listening to him. If he’s not going to live by his proclaimed standard, why should they?
Two, he won’t have any ground to stand on to call them back to the right path. And he’ll know it. Even if his sin is secret, he won’t have the confidence necessary to accurately call balls and strikes.
This is why he must constantly be putting his sins to death, whether it be a porn or gambling addiction, anger issues, unkind words, laziness and lack of discipline, or anything else he knows he shouldn’t do. He must have himself under control so his wife can trust his vision and his whole family can see he is serious about the standard he is calling everyone to live up to.
As an example, perhaps he’ll need to talk to his wife about letting some of her work around the house fall behind. If he’s not taking care of his work, though, he’ll either keep his mouth shut and they’ll both suffer the consequences of their laziness, or he’ll call her out with both of them knowing he’s a hypocrite.
Moral credibility makes the conversation so much easier. He can sympathize with her challenges and admit his own struggles, yet still rest on the point that they each have a job to do and that he’s just helping lead her to join him in a shared purpose.
One problem, one reminder
The problem
Who decides whether he has moral credibility? Those who are in subjection to the leader can’t be the sole arbiters of his moral credibility. If they are, then they are the actual leadership. It’s easy to see how this can be—and often is—twisted to oppose someone who is doing the job of leading.
When he makes difficult but necessary decisions (as we looked at here), she might start throwing out words like “abusive.” Sometimes that word is valid. Other times it’s just a weapon.
As Joe Rigney wrote, “Christians came to implicitly adopt the subjective logic of victimhood—I’m hurt, therefore you sinned”— and thereby succumbed to the tyranny of the sensitive.”1
We can’t give in to the tyranny of the sensitive. Not all criticism is valid. Moral credibility is not lost just because someone doesn’t like where a leader is going, no matter how many moral terms they can tack on to their criticism.
So, what is a wife to do? She does not have to submit if he is telling her to sin. And if he is in sin and is a Christian, there are things she can do. If he has a pornography addiction, for example, she would not be out of bounds to enlist the help of her elders out of care for her husband’s soul. (Though, it is not grounds for divorce, as we covered in the recent TDP episode).
However, his shortcomings do not make her the head. Nor do they take away his leadership. The hierarchy God established makes the man accountable to God (and to his elders, in some ways).
Her parents and/or friends are not the head. A therapist is not the head. With regard to most matters of the household, the elders and preachers aren’t the head. The husband is. As God is the man’s direct head, we should not take matters out of God’s hands and put them in our own.
Ultimately, the man has to stand before God each day and look at himself in the mirror that is the Bible to see if he is being who he claims to be. If he has what Paul calls a “clear conscience” (2 Timothy 1:3), he’s in a much better place to lead his home.
The reminder
Underlying all of this, we have to remember this basic truth: the wife must acknowledge that his authority is not contingent on his moral credibility. So much modern Christian teaching says that it is. “If he’s leading like Christ, then she’ll submit…”
As a matter of fact, 1 Peter 3:1-2 says exactly the opposite. Even if he’s not being who he’s supposed to be, she is still commanded to submit. According to God, that’s the most likely way for her to win him over.
So what should not happen as a result of reading this is for a woman to write off her husband’s leadership for some moral failing. It is far better for him to have moral credibility, but her duty is unchanged either way.
Problems solved
The beauty of it is, his moral credibility and her patient submission make any necessary confrontation so much smoother.
For a low-stakes example, let’s say he’s neglected the kitchen trash an extra day and things are starting to get piled on top. In a situation where roles are askew, she might blast him for his indolence or bug him constantly until it’s done. Or, even if she does everything politely, he might resent her reminder and feel nagged, knowing deep down she’s right but not wanting to admit it.
In a properly-ordered household, he has consulted with her to establish a household division of labor, and in that setup, he’s in charge of the kitchen trash. She can gently remind him that it’s getting a bit full. Since he is committed to setting the tone for the household and doesn’t want to be inconsistent or hypocritical, he isn’t offended at her for reminding him to do what he already said he intends to do. Rather, he thanks her for the reminder and gets the job done.
Things get more complicated with high-stakes examples, but the principles remain in place. Let’s say she has a tendency to undermine his authority with the kids. If he has a sports gambling problem, though, he might feel inadequate to call out her sins. He knows he has his own issues, and she might just deflect any correction by turning the spotlight around. Scoreboard pointing starts to become a habit.
On the other hand, when he has moral credibility that comes from a clear vision for the family that he is living out transparently to the best of his ability, he can point out to her how she’s hurting the household’s cohesion and that it needs to stop. That doesn’t guarantee she’ll listen, but it puts the conversation on a much more solid ground to begin with.
Everything in its place
So much will change for the better if we can start developing more and more leaders who are worth following. But no matter how much charisma they have and no matter how good their ideas are, they will always be hindered if there are unaddressed moral failings in their back pockets.
Men of virtue who cast a vision and then go on to embody it are what it will take to turn our world around. And that won’t happen on a large scale if it isn’t happening in the home first.
Be a man of virtue. Keep your moral credibility.
(If you’re interested in developing men of virtue and would like to help me brainstorm a bit on resources and potential in-person events, email me at jack@focuspress.org)
Notes
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Joe Rigney, The Sin of Empathy, Moscow: Canon Press, 2024. 55.
