Do We Have to Forgive the Unrepentant?

A matter of terms

Forgiveness is one of the foundational pieces of Christianity, so it’s important we get it right. None of us stand a chance at the judgment without forgiveness. And, as those who are so utterly dependent on forgiveness, we are bound to practice it toward others.

Jesus taught His disciples to forgive 70x7 (Matthew 18:22), and that if we don’t forgive others, then we will not be forgiven by the Father (Matthew 6:14-15).

But what about when the offender doesn’t ask for forgiveness?

If they haven’t had the chance to confess their wrongdoing and apologize, must we forgive? If they show no contrition, are we still to forgive? Or, could it even be wrong to forgive before they come around?

A debate over these questions broke out on social media following the tragic killing of Austin Metcalf by Karmelo Anthony, both high school students in Frisco, TX. In the days following the killing, Metcalf’s father went before cameras and shared a message of forgiveness:

“You know what, I already forgive this person. Already. God takes care of things. God is going to take care of me. God is going to take care of my family.”

Some insisted this response is exactly what Christ commands of us. Others argued that Mr. Metcalf’s statement dishonored his son and showed a skewed sense of justice. I don’t mean to put him under the microscope here, as I can’t imagine being in that situation. The point is not to meticulously analyze Mr. Metcalf’s statement. We’ve seen similar quotes from bereaved family members of victims before, but this question of whether and when to forgive isn’t just an issue for high profile cases.

Anybody who’s ever been mistreated by another has been faced with this question: do I forgive even if they aren’t sorry?

A business partner misleads… a spouse commits adultery… a friend defames you behind your back… whatever the situation, when the hurtful action happens, we need to know what to do. Many will say that since God forgave, we must forgive, too. They might add that forgiveness is for us just as much as it is for them, as we let go of the grudge that poisons us from within. Is this correct?

It all depends on our definitions. If by “forgive” one means “clear them of all wrongdoing,” then no, we should not attempt to do that. On the other hand, if we mean “forgive” as “extend an offer of reconciliation,” then we should absolutely forgive.*

To illustrate the idea…

Picture the offender and the offended on opposite sides of a room divided by a table. The offended person holds an index card with the word “forgiven” on it.

By God’s commandment, he can not stuff that card in his back pocket and refuse to come to the table. But neither can he cross the table and stuff it in the offender’s pocket, forcing forgiveness on the offender whether or not the offender wants it.

What God requires of us is to come to the table and place the forgiveness card on it. If the offender comes to the table to make things right, they can take the forgiveness that has been freely offered. But if they won’t come to the table and seek forgiveness, it can’t be forced upon them.

Christ-like forgiveness

Why can’t we preemptively forgive? Because we must operate as God operates. Jesus said “Father forgive them” on the cross (Luke 23:34), but that phrase alone did not absolve anybody. They had to come to Him for forgiveness, and by God’s grace many of them did exactly that on Pentecost (Acts 2). The forgiveness was extended, but the process of forgiveness wasn’t completed until men came to ask for it.

If we withhold forgiveness, we’re obviously not being Christlike. But if we declare the offender forgiven before even God has, then we’re setting ourselves up as more gracious than even He is—a beyond precarious position. We also hurt the offender by granting them a resolution to the situation that is not in order. Giving them grace blesses them; giving them a pass does not.

To summarize this whole concept:

We can’t forgive something God hasn’t forgiven, but neither can we withhold forgiveness when God has given it.

So, we must extend forgiveness and be ready to give it should the offender seek it, lest we lag behind God’s forgiveness. This is what some mean when they say we must forgive right away, though I believe “extend forgiveness” is more precise than just saying “forgive.”

As is so often the case, the option that sounds the nicest and most loving needs a closer look (see: Progressive “Love” Isn’t Love). But, as is the case equally often, overcorrecting and refusing to forgive can’t be our posture, either. Each case is complex and full of its own hurts and complications, but the overarching principle is simple: love as God loves, forgive as God forgives.

*It should be noted—forgiveness does not mean the removal of consequences. Jesus forgave the thief on the cross, but He didn’t save Him from the cross.

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Notes

- Middle TN folks - I’m preaching at the McEwen church of Christ April 7-9 at 7 p.m. each night. Come on out! And, I’ll be at Lads2Leaders Nashville at the Focus Press table on the 18th and 19th, so if you’re heading there, say hello!

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