When Preachers Despise Their Members

I’ve long been a critic of the “I don’t deserve my wife” gimmick that married guys often do. Tell her, yourself, and everybody else that she could easily do better than you is not a recipe for a happy relationship.

The same line of thinking that causes men to say that about their wives drives a lot of other features of modern society, including religion. The entire seeker-sensitive model of church growth was built around it. Relevant Magazine even had the gall to publish an article arguing that we need to learn to listen to the world and do what they tell us so we’ll be more attractive to them. “You know better than us what our shining light should look like,” in other words.

In this vein of thinking comes the latest viral social media share:

An alcoholic friend of Philip Yancey once said to him:

“When I'm late to church, people turn around and stare at me with frowns of disapproval. I get the clear message that I'm not as responsible as they are. When I'm late to AA, the meeting comes to a halt and everyone jumps up to hug and welcome me. They realize that my lateness may be a sign that I almost didn't make it. When I show up, it proves that my desperate need for them won out over my desperate need for alcohol."

Lets make sure that people know how welcome they always are, that our table is really big and that there is always a place with their name on it at our table.

I couldn’t confirm where Yancey had ever written that anecdote, but it seemed to spring to life late last year in a post by cheap grace purveyor extraodinaire, Tullian Tchividjian. It’s been circulating for months, and I must have seen it dozens of times—many of those posted by preacher friends. The most recent iteration of it I saw had over 20,000 shares.

Two major objections, and a plea to think before you share

First, survival is not the goal.

Most churches are already fine at the kind of thing Yancey describes. I’ve preached for a church that had addicts in regular attendance, and for another that had a homeless man with us for a couple of months. Each of them was difficult in their own way and stood out like a sore thumb. Yet each of them was treated by the members with nothing but kindness, patience, and a joy that they were there. Little was expected of them because they weren’t in a place in life to give more. That’s how it should be.

But that’s not why the post went so viral. The underlying message is that a church that expects something of you is unwelcoming. In recent weeks I’ve seen church members compared to the 5x-married woman at the well in John 4, the pagans in Acts 17, and now an AA member in the throes of addiction. We all have hard times, sure. And—not that it’s a contest—some people’s are harder than others.

But if that’s the bar we’re setting for members, it’s no wonder we’re telling the world they’re better than us. What hope do we have to offer if no one ever gets better here? If the most immature members are glorified and told the longest-serving are said to be grumpy, judgmental people, why would anyone want to come in and grow?

Spiritual infants can’t be allowed to remain spiritual infants forever. Never growing and moving forward despite a kind, patient church that’s willing to help you is a slight on you, not them.

Second, it’s ugly and untrue

Who is this even for? If we’re telling the world they’ll be better off outside our doors, that’s no good. If we’re calling certain Christians to be more welcoming, they aren’t going to get the message this way. The only conclusion that makes sense is that it’s an attempt to highlight our problem of scores of judgy, mean, unwelcoming Christians.

Do we have such a problem? Are churches that unwelcoming? Are we really being put to shame by AA and other secular social groups?

No, of course not.

So why post it?

It’s just an easy target for some preachers and other Christians to dunk on those nameless, faceless, mean Christians to score cultural “nice points.” It’s the religious version of “I don’t deserve my wife,” just adapted to “We don’t deserve your attendance.” And once again, we’re surprised when they believe us.

And, it’s yet another instance of Brokenness Culture in which we tell the world we’re no better than them—in fact, maybe even worse! It’s the church version of “We don’t deserve you.

I spend a lot of time calling the church to a higher standard and challenging Christians to shed their worldly ways. But let me make it clear that that doesn’t mean the church is bad.

I love those much-scorned “religious people,” and I’m tired of seeing them thrown under the bus to score points with people who don’t care about serving God.

I’ve had the privilege of visiting congregations all over the country, sometimes as a speaker but also many times as a nameless stranger. It hit me the other day that I’ve had dozens of warm, friendly conversations with people I will never see again this side of heaven—people whose names I don’t remember and who certainly don’t remember me. I’ve received warm welcomes, invitations to eat out or stay for a pot luck, and even invitations to people’s houses.

The kindest people I’ve ever met have all been Christians.

Sure, from time to time there’s a grumpy church lady who stares down the underdressed person or a couple who tells the visitors “You’re sitting in my seat.” But there aren’t many of those, and the way to handle them isn’t by writing a social media post about how unfriendly and judgy religious people typically are. And casting those people as the norm for Christianity just pushes the lost away and trashes all the warm-hearted Jesus-followers in our pews.

Sometimes Christians need to be called to step up or change, and I certainly do my fair share of that kind of writing. But other times they should be patted on the back and told they’re doing a good job. And though I don’t know all of you, I am confident that the overwhelming majority of my readers are doing a good job of being kind, welcoming, loving people who share the joy of the Lord.

Instead of telling people what Yancey did, that the church is less welcoming than an AA meeting, this should be the message preachers are sharing:

Come to church to meet the kindest, most welcoming people you’ll ever know. No, they’re not perfect, but they’re all growing. We welcome people in all walks of life, and through God’s goodness we all become something better by our time here. You’ll never find a better home than the Lord’s church.

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