"Toxic" People
Pop psychology and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race.
As we as a society have grown more self-aware about our mental health and the industry terms have entered the cultural vocabulary, there is no mechanism for preventing the potent concepts from being misused. Suddenly everyone is an expert, throwing out diagnoses and analysis with a sense of authority because of the weight the terms carry.
In 2016, psychologist Nick Haslam put a finger on the problem by coining the term “concept creep.” Wikipedia summarizes the idea as “the process by which harm-related topics experience semantic expansion to include topics which would not have originally been envisaged to be included under that label.”
To give an example, “trauma” originally had a useful meaning. Now it has come to mean “anything bad that ever happened to someone.” Similar terms like abuse, narcissism, gaslighting, and toxic have undergone the same kind of expansion.
The appeal is obvious: if I can label someone with a therapy-coded term, it’s a scientific diagnosis that can’t be argued against.
If I tell myself you’re being mean, maybe I can give you a little grace and assume you’re having a bad day. If I tell myself you’re an abusive gaslighter, I have no obligation to you and you have no opportunity to redeem yourself. You’re just irredeemably evil and I have no obligation to treat you with love.
It also works the other direction, where we can give ourselves a pass by laying blame due us onto the therapy dictionary.
The two create an incredibly convenient blend of taking zero responsibility for ourselves and feeling no sense of duty to anybody else. If I act poorly, it’s because of my trauma. If you act poorly, it’s because you’re a toxic narcissist.
Then you add the third ingredient: boundaries.
The idea of boundaries is a necessary one, as some people will not stop taking from you or encroaching upon your life until you tell them otherwise. As Cloud and Townsend (the doctors who coined the term for therapeutic use) point out, even God sets boundaries in His relationships, so it clearly is good and proper—within reason.
But boundaries are another victim of concept creep, as millions of people have taken “boundaries” as a pass to not make any effort or do any forgiving in their relationships. “One strike, and you’re done. Gotta have boundaries!”
Lest we feel any guilt over drawing a boundary too far afield, we fall back on all the concept creep therapyworld labels to assure ourselves it’s ok.
“My parents are toxic.”
“My spouse is a narcissist.”
“That preacher is abusive.”
Again, sometimes these accusations are accurate on some level. But, thanks to concept creep, the terms are useless. Without specifics, who knows if it’s a legitimate claim or an exaggeration or fabrication being weaponized to avoid personal responsibility?
I’ve seen marriages march all the way to divorce court with one or both spouses feeling perfectly justified because they could recite all the therapeutic terms that showed why they were 100% in the right and their spouse was [insert whatever combo of diagnostic labels it took to help them feel justified]. I’ve seen people destroy friendships and treat others like human garbage with the approval of their own DSM-coded consciences.
Where is Christian duty in all of this?
Before we use these terms, shouldn’t we check with the Word as to what God requires of us toward our friends, family, church family, and even enemies?
Truth be told, somebody may well be, say, a narcissist. I may need to set proper boundaries so I don’t allow him to get away with things that will harm both of us. But if I place him in the “narcissist” box and never see him otherwise, I will fail every “one another” command God ever gave me.
Aren’t you glad Jesus didn’t label you “toxic?”
Aren’t you glad He modeled the commands He gave us: “Bear with one another,” “Forgive one another,” “Tolerate one another,” “bear one another’s burdens.”
Shouldn’t we do unto others as we would have them do unto us?
The tools we use can make our lives better, but we must never let them supersede our duty to God.
Notes…
Sunday School Catch-Up is out now! This is my new primer on Bible basics for anyone who wants to build their knowledge on the major people, events, and ideas in the Word.
Think Deeper Podcast this week covers climate change and the religious fervor it stirs up among the supposedly irreligious.
I was recently spoken to about something I had said about someone else, and also spoken to as to being overbearing with a members spouse. I understood why they might have thought that, and one reason, is because their conviction to Christ, or for Christ, isn’t what mine is. I want to deliver a good, strong, meaningful sermon, that will lead others to Christ, not something that will cause discord among the brethren.
As a new preacher, that is to say, one who is inexperienced, I want to help you move down the road to eternal life, not one to badger you into the back row, then out the door before I have an opportunity to shake hands with you.
"Promoting one another to love and good works.” To me that has a sense of, " I’m not up here to tip toe around your feelings so you want to come back.” But we are all rebuked at one time or another I believe, and at the end of the day, we can and should still love one another, just as He has loved us.
TLS
My husbsnd left me four years (at least) before divorce (his choice, not mine) by having an affair at least for four years until I confronted him. I lived my life with a narcistic spouse for 32 years, not fully understanding why he “was the way he was”…he was always right, I was always wrong, I was the one who needed “help”, I was blamed for everything, I could do nothing right. He called the shots, made all the decisions, he justified himself even when it was apparent he was responsible for certain problems between us…I could go on and in. It took two years of therapy after he left me (divorce) to realize how narcistic he truly was…
So, yes, I know how a narcistic person treats others… I was unable to cause him to change…that is not possible as he needed to decide for himself to admit he had problems and then decide to make necessary changes in his life.
Didn’t happen. He chose to deny his problems, refused to take any responsibility at all.
Thus, there was nothing I could ever do to “fix” us, due to his denial and refusal to consider changes he needed in his own life.
Narcissism is very real.