Patriarchy, Feminism, and an Uncomfortable Shift

The only way out is through...

We’ve discussed the need for patriarchy and the pitfalls of feminism.

Now let’s put it all together and round out this series with a look at the male plight and what it will take to change things.

As noted previously, we can argue all day long about how we think things should be, but that doesn’t change how they are. And when we’re honest with ourselves, we already operate under these truths.

Feminist women can say they want to be the same as men in every way, but that lie is exposed on two fronts.

First, they don’t want the dirty work that always ends up left to men.

They only want to be equal in the fun things like authority and recognition. Nobody’s screeching about the egregious lack of female representation in the sewer repair or garbage collecting industries.

Wanting to pick and choose when you want to be equal isn’t advocating for equality, it’s arguing for supremacy. It’s a master-slave arrangement.

Funny thing is, patriarchalists believe women deserve such privilege. We’ll hold the door. We’ll go get the car in the rain. We’ll walk street-side on the sidewalk. But it’s going to come with the catch that you relinquish the male roles you do want so you don’t get saddled with the ones you don’t.

Secondly, feminists want a seat at the social leadership table but they want to leave that seat absent when it comes time to take responsibility.

Even blaming “the patriarchy” for society’s ills is a tacit acknowledgement of the inevitability of male leadership. If you’re equal in every way, aren’t you on the hook for not doing something to stop this supposedly wicked patriarchy? Why didn’t you do something?

As they continue to jostle for elbow room, they want to continue to keep this arrangement. All the privileges of authority, none of the burden of responsibility. If anything goes wrong it’s men’s fault. Credit, yes. Blame, no.

The feminist Barbie movie subverts creation order by intentionally flipping the Biblical narrative on its head - Ken is created for Barbie rather than Eve for Adam - and yet the patriarchy is somehow still the villain. Sorry, but I’m not accepting that setup. Authority and responsibility are inseparable.

Biblically speaking, the nature of male responsibility is an obvious truth. Eve ate the fruit first, but Adam is the one who bears responsibility throughout the Scriptures. This is how God operates. As the head of the home, church, and society, man will not always be to blame but he will always bear responsibility for what happens under his watch.

So, guess what? If the buck is going to stop with me no matter what decision is made, I’m going to be the one ultimately making the decision. At least then I know it’s one I can live with and own regardless of the outcome.

Yes, there are privileges that come with headship, and there are also burdens. Christians continue to saddle men with the burdens while denying them the privileges.

Yeah, I’m going to stand before God and give an account for my family, but “my wife is so much better than me in every way. I don’t deserve her.”

Yeah, I’m the one everybody looks to when money gets tight, but “she can do everything I can!”

Yeah, I’m the one who gets up to check on the strange noise in the night - “but we’re equal partners!”

It’s no wonder so many young men are cynical toward marriage.

This is where push comes to shove. This is the real world challenge that will make or break where we go next.

Complaining about it on the societal level is a waste of time when our churches aren’t even getting it right. And a big reason many of our churches aren’t getting it right is because the men who lead them aren’t getting it right in their own homes, and leadership is too afraid to offend the women by calling this out.

Anybody who’s been in church leadership has been in meetings with men who clearly came to do their wives’ bidding. Yes, men should lean on the wisdom of women as an aid in decision making. But that is a far cry from carrying water for the agenda and letting them make decisions by proxy.

In the home, many men know they have hard but right changes to make but are terrified of the backlash their wives will bring. But this is exactly what needs to happen.

Women want men to step up. On a primal, instinctual level, that’s what is desired. Why? Because God designed it that way, no matter how backward we brilliant moderns think it is.

However, when men do step up, a lot of women won’t like it at first. Be forewarned.

Wicked women will leave or play leverage games like withholding sex or giving the silent treatment or using the kids as pawns. 70% of divorces are initiated by women, largely because they always win the divorce. The short-term incentives for staying pale in comparison to the incentives for leaving. The culture gives her the legal privilege to take off with the house and kids and say it was because her husband was “toxic” and everyone will rush to her defense.

This does not make it wrong for the man to persist in leading. Taking the easy out society gives them is the temptation women must resist.

Even many good, Godly women will resist the leadership at first. If it’s new and foreign, it’s going to be an acquired taste. But they will work within God’s parameters (Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3). Thank God for these women.

In either case, men must hold the line. If you attempt to lead and shrink back at the first instant of pushback, you aren’t leading, and she knows it. She’s taken the pants back after he tried them on and found them uncomfortable. All respect is lost and the entire situation is worse off than before. Any future attempts just got 10x harder.

But if you lovingly hold that line, a Godly woman will come to respect you for it.

This doesn’t mean go home and throw down the gauntlet. Don’t start throwing your weight around and making demands because “Jack told me I should.”

Part of leading is knowing those under your care and how they will respond. You know the kind of runway you have for this change and whether this will be a relatively painless shift with a couple bumps, or a multi-year teeth-pulling. You know if you have a wife who wants you to lead, and you know if you have one who is going to need to be introduced to it more slowly.

Again, you’re going to be giving an account for your family’s direction either way. You had better be actively driving it according to what you know is right rather than what is easiest.

Eve’s temptation was and always will be to usurp. Adam’s temptations will always be to either dominate or abdicate. The better each one plays their role, the happier everybody is in the end.

You and I can complain about Barbie all day long, but there’s very little we can do on a large scale to address it. What we can do is get things right in our own homes, which will lead to stronger churches, which will lead to a stronger culture.

Start at home. Play the long game. Be a man of God.