How "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Ruins a Marriage
A bad approach to marriage
By far the strangest thing about getting married was the advice I got from older Christians in the course of our engagement.
“Just practice these two phrases: ‘Yes dear,’ and ‘I’m sorry’ and everything will go great.”
“You’re the head of the home… as long as she says you are!”
“Just remember, ‘happy wife, happy life.’”
In a sense, it was all said semi-jokingly. In another sense, the dynamic is very real. So much of today’s teaching aims to tell men to meet her expectations, regardless of what they are.
“Experts” like Sheila Gregoire counsel women to leave their husbands if they disapprove of him in any way. Echo chamber women’s forums label every perceived misstep by a man to be “toxic” and grounds for ending the relationship. To this end, over 2/3 of divorces are initiated by women.
Men know this, and so they feel a constant pressure to maintain their wives’ approval. Getting on her “bad side” or being “in the dog house” or “sleeping on the couch” are all one-way terms in a marriage relationship. Nobody talks about a wife being sent to the couch by her husband. Withholding intimacy and practicing the “silent treatment” are also tools weaponized to let a man know he must come groveling back, and to think twice before crossing her the next time.
To be perfectly clear, these “happy wife, happy life” practices are often straight-up sinful. And, as sin often does, it stands to make the husband, the children, and the wife herself totally miserable.
Here are three reasons why this approach ruins a marriage
It’s not Biblical
Simply put, if the wife’s happiness is the chief consideration that drives the home, then Ephesians 5:22-24 has been ignored.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Yes, husbands are told to lay down their lives for their wives just as Christ gave Himself for the church. But that is for her good, not for her moment-to-moment happiness.
Bucking this system to demand your way “or else” destroys God’s structure for the home. Entities with structural damage don’t tend to fare too well in the long run.
What if she’s wrong?
If a man is asking “What keeps her from putting me in the dog house?” that means he’s not asking “What is best for the family?”
Ideally, both the husband and the wife should want what’s best, and both should realize that what they want is not automatically what’s best. But when a husband is told to be a doormat style “servant leader,” the wife’s emotions supersede the entire decision-making flowchart.
It might upset mom to be told she has to return those clothes she bought for her teenage daughter because they aren’t modest enough. But it’s the right thing to do.
It might make the Mrs. mad to be told that no, we’re going to stay and work things out rather than switching churches because of a personality clash. But it’s probably the correct choice.
As the head of the home who will give an account to God for how he led his family, the buck will stop with the husband whether he makes these decisions or allows them to be made for him. That being the case, everybody is better off if he steps up and takes responsibility.
Pretending she can’t control her emotions doesn’t make anyone happy
“Happy wife, happy life” is presented as the pro-woman position, but in reality it diminishes the wife by robbing her of agency. It’s the “soft bigotry of low expectations,” marriage edition.
What are we trying to do here—work together to create a home life based on an agreed upon set of principles as a God-fearing husband and a God-fearing wife… or task the husband with keeping an overgrown toddler appeased?
Any time a man is counseled to live by “happy wife, happy life,” the unspoken implication is that he is responsible for her pouting and temper tantrums, and it is incumbent on him to make sure they don’t happen. Taking on the role of submissive wife prohibits such attempts to undermine, though, because a Godly wife knows she is capable of controlling her tongue, her emotions, and the look on her face—even when she’s not pleased.
The Proverbs repeatedly offer cautions about contentious women (19:13; 21:9; 21:19; 25:24). On the other hand, 1 Peter 3:4 says that a gentle and quiet spirit is precious in God’s sight. Which one is more fitting with happy wife, happy life?
Holy Couple, Happy Home
As always, somebody will come rushing in on the C.S. Lewis fire truck to say “But that doesn’t mean he gets to run her over!” Yes, of course. The opposite of “happy wife, happy life” is not “Browbeaten wife, happy life.” No, the opposite is “Holy couple, happy home.”
If a wife has been operating by “happy wife, happy life,” she’s going to have to realize the error of her ways and work on it. It would be beneficial for her to tell her husband why what she’s done is wrong and ask him to tell her when he feels pressured to stay on her good side or face her wrath.
If a husband realizes he’s been living this way, but his wife is still committed to it, it will be an uphill battle. There is no wisdom in marching in and doing the “there’s a new sheriff in town” routine. Rather, it will be a slow transition. He’s going to have to brace himself for some storms the next few times he crosses her, and he’s going to have to stand by his decisions. Folding only makes the problem worse. With love and a reasonable, consistent approach, though, I believe progress can be made.
In any case, prayer should certainly be part of the equation.
To live by faith is to believe that God’s way is always best, and in no sense is it God’s way to throw a fit to make others do what we want. Instead, a submissive wife and a loving husband make for the kind of home God designed, and God’s design makes for happy, fulfilled people.
Notes
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What is so sad, is the happy wife-happy life has become the “mantra” of the Big Eva church!
Thank you. I too am startled at how widespread the happy-wife-happy-life marriage philosophy is. And as you note, it’s sometimes said in a lighthearted manner. But in reality, many men (it seems) actually believe that their happiness should be subordinate to that of their wife.