"Abram listened to his wife"

A right way and a wrong way

“And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai” (Genesis 16:2b).

Man, what a disaster that was.

Despite God’s promises in Genesis 12 and 15, by chapter 16, Abram and Sarai (later and hereafter Abraham and Sarah - 17:5-15) still had not had a baby. Sarah’s bright idea was to have her handmaiden, Hagar, take her place to provide Abraham a child.

Unfortunately, he listened.

The consequences blew up immediately. Sarah and Hagar immediately began to despise each other, with Sarah eventually driving her handmaid out (16:4-6). God sent Hagar back, but the peace was only temporary. Once Abraham and Sarah had a son of their own, Hagar’s son Ishmael mocked him and Sarah decided it was time for Hagar to go once again—this time for good.

As the Muslim world considers Ishmael their forefather, it’s hard to describe just how much bloodshed and tension the world has experienced (and continues to experience up to this minute) because Abraham listened to his wife.

Interestingly, we’ve seen this problem spring up before.

“Then to Adam He said, ‘Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you…’” (3:17a). Adam was punished for eating the fruit, yes. But also because he listened to Eve. The commandment had been given to him (2:16-17) and yet he deferred to his wife rather than God’s explicit word.

If you thought the consequences of Abraham’s weak leadership were bad, it pales in comparison to the effects of Adam’s deference to his wife. All because they “listened to their wives,” as the text says.

How to Listen to Your Wife

The right way to do it

Before anyone says I’m telling husband to ignore their wives, or women to sit down and shut up, there is clearly a place for each man to listen to the counsel of his wife. Sometimes she knows something he doesn’t, and sometimes she has a perspective he hasn’t considered.

And, Godly women can bring great wisdom to the table. The Proverbs 31 woman “opens her mouth in wisdom” (31:26a), and many, many Christian women have that capability.

Any person in any position of authority is a fool if they aren’t open to the feedback of the people who are under their care. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel” (Proverbs 12:15).

So no, I’m not saying that husbands shouldn’t listen to their wives. They absolutely should… but not in the wrong way.

The wrong way to do it

As the husband is the head of the wife (Ephesians 5:23) whether a couple acknowledges it or not, that reality sets the parameters for the relationship. As we saw with Adam, man’s headship means the buck stops with him, because he will be the one to answer to God for the direction of the household.

So, the wife can make suggestions, or requests, or even strong appeals for decisions she wants. The husband’s job is to take those into consideration and see if her desires can be honored in alignment with the direction God would want the family to go.

As a loving husband who wants to serve his wife, his answer should not be an automatic no. If it comes down to his preference vs. hers, he should look to show her love by deferring in a number of cases. When it’s not a matter of preference, he must do his homework, take her view into account, and yet ultimately stand firm on what he believes is right.

Most of the time we hear worries about how this can be abused to run her over. And that’s a real concern.

But, we typically have the opposite problem.

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard phrases like

• “Happy wife, happy life!”

• “Just learn to say two phrases: ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘Yes, dear.’”

• “I’m the leader of the family, and I know that because my wife said I am.”

The twisted “servant leadership” concept has taught men that their job is to give in to keep their wives happy. But, as Adam and Abraham taught us, giving in on a bad idea and letting the women get their way didn’t create happiness. In fact, Sarah immediately regretted her decision and blamed it on Abraham—"May the wrong done me be upon you” (16:5).

So, Abraham listened to his wife, it blew up in everyone’s faces, and he got the blame anyway.

In many of these cases, men give in because they don’t want their wives to be mad at them. And just like Abraham, that’s what they get anyway. And, they get wives who don’t respect them because they don’t lead.

Practically speaking

I don’t want to oversimplify these exchanges. Marrying two people’s preferences is hard work, and it doesn’t go
Wife: “I want X”
Husband: “I understand, but Y is better”
Wife: “Ok, that makes sense.”

Big life decisions like where you’re going to live, how to educate the kids, what job to take, whether to leave a church, how to navigate in-law relationships, and such are complex issues. As much as is possible, the husband should strive to reach a consensus with his wife.

But sometimes, that’s not going to happen.

Sometimes she really wants something, and after prayer and consideration, he’s decided to go in another direction. That’s where push comes to shove.

He has to have the fortitude to stand by his decision. A husband who loves his wife enough to listen to her and accommodate her when and where he can gains a lot of credibility for when it’s time to say no.

But whether she thinks he has the credibility or not, he has to make the decision he feels he can defend before God should it come to that.

And she, for her part, has been told to submit (Ephesians 5:22). If the command was “Submit, unless you disagree,” then it would be entirely meaningless. That’s not submission. A wife who submits even when she really, really doesn’t want to makes it so much easier for the husband to lead the home with clarity.

The one thing that can’t happen is for her word to be law. Him being in the habit of giving a submissive “Yes, dear” will make everybody miserable.

If the home, the church, and the society continue to be driven by women’s preferences and not on the basis of what’s right and what’s wrong, we’re going to continue to have dysfunction on every front.

But it starts at home. So husbands, don’t be like Adam and Abraham in this area. Develop the art of listening and considering without being a rubber stamp.

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Notes

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