I received a question on this issue, and my response got to the length that I figured I might as well flesh it out into an article. If you’d like to submit a question, email me at jack@focuspress.org or leave a comment under any article.
Question: How do you gently confront adult children caught up in the "LGBTQ pronoun affirming, everything is toxic, I feel unsafe around you" movement? Especially when they use (or try to) the Bible to justify their actions, even asserting that the Bible doesn't say what we think it says (yes, the age old crafty trick of the serpent).
Just from the all-too-familiar description given, we can see the abusiveness of this movement. “Come to our side, we’re the ones who love you. Your old friends and family, the same people they’ve always been? They’re toxic abusers now. Everybody else is against you but us.” It’s textbook abuser behavior.
So, not only do these young people have to fight out of a wicked ideology that harms them mind, body, and soul. They have to see through the lie that the life saving truth tellers who love them are actually trying to harm them.
It’s a truly horrible situation, one of the final stops in our nation’s descent into unbridled depravity.
Why, then, is it working to attract so many?
Most people who give in to transgenderism are looking for one thing: peace.
Yes, on the surface acceptance and belonging are the priority. But they seek acceptance and belonging because they think those will give them inner peace. Validation has to be found from others because they are not comfortable with themselves.
And what do they see happening any time someone comes out as trans? A swarm of validation. Celebration. Attention. But the peace does not follow.
Why not?
When you’re living a lie, peace will never be found. The promise that “coming out” will settle all the internal confusion is shown to be a lie almost immediately. Any medical intervention only makes things worse.
So what can we do?
Pray for them.
An obvious step, to be sure, but it still must be practiced with all the persistence of the woman petitioning the judge in Luke 18. Pray they would come to their senses, pray they would not be harmed while astray, and pray their pride does not get in the way when they know it’s time to admit the truth.
Do not affirm or legitimize their new identity in any way.
The very worst thing we could do is help give them a false sense of peace. So, there are no trans women or trans men, only males and females. He has not come she, nor has her become him.
Some believe it would only serve to drive them away if we hold the line on this truth. But when you concede on this point, you indulge the lie. Once you’ve indulged the lie, how will you win them over to the truth? Who was ever won over to the truth through dishonesty?
A different, less popular dysmorphia exists in which some people insist they need an arm or a leg amputated, and that they won’t be whole until that happens. Imagine agreeing with them, and even affirming them as they attempt to go through with it. Would that not be insanity?
Outside of the social popularity surrounding it, how is affirming a trans identity any different? What these folks need from us more than anything else is the kind of love that will not go along with the charade.
Truth and love are the only tools we have in this battle. We must not set either aside.
Do not break off contact.
No, we cannot affirm their choice. But we must do our part to maintain the connection without conceding ground. If they set down an ultimatum of “use my pronouns or we’re through,” at least the choice was theirs. And while they might say that for a while, deep down they know who loves them enough to tell them the truth. That’s why the door must always be kept unlocked from this side.
Do not be overly combative.
They have made this the center of their identity, and they are desperate to be affirmed, so you can be sure the issue will come up. We do not need to center every conversation about it or make every encounter a lecture. Let them know where you stand, do not waver, but keep the lines of communication open as far as possible.
Lovingly stir up their cognitive dissonance.
Deep down, they know. All of this is one of the most vicious forms of The Emperor’s New Clothes we’ve ever seen. Everybody can tell the emperor is naked, no matter what they’re being instructed to say and think. They need somebody to remind them that they know the truth.
For example, the common refrain that opposing trans identities is “literal violence” that “threatens their lives” is a self-imposed hostage situation. In essence, “Affirm my identity or I’ll kill myself.”
But if this is their true self, why do they need other people to affirm them? If they are truly free from the shackles of their old identity, why is their mental health still so precarious so as to threaten their own lives? In their quest for peace, they need to have it repeatedly, subtly pointed out that they haven’t found peace at all on this path. The cognitive dissonance will begin to work heavily on them.
Give them time.
They didn’t come to this decision overnight, and they won’t come out of it overnight. Expect it to take a while. I can’t imagine anything would be harder than waiting for a son or a daughter to come back to their senses, but rushing them may only drive them further away.
Be ready to receive them.
It is becoming common for the trans movement to twist the prodigal son parable into a story of the father accepting his son’s new identity while the bigoted older brother will not. You don’t need me to point out how abominable that rewriting is. In fact, it’s quite the opposite of the parable.
These young people have run away from their Father’s house thinking they will find peaceful happiness and fulfillment in their new life. While there are many perverse, unsavory characters in the trans movement, I believe the large majority are scared, young people without a compass, desperate for inner peace.
Satan is using this movement to sell countless young people a sense of belonging and security that never comes to fruition. No matter how loudly you scream the sky is pink and how happy you are that it is, it will continue to be blue. I expect that we are not far away from seeing droves of transgenderism’s misguided victims coming to their senses in the pig pen and returning back to the Father’s house.
If and when they do, we know the Father will be there waiting to run and embrace them. We, as their brothers and sisters, need to be prepared to do the same. They may look different. Their presence may require us to learn how to navigate something we’ve really never seen before. But what a wonderful challenge that would be. Let’s pray it happens.