The Trouble with "Find Your Tribe"

Why we don't have the community we need

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You gotta find your people
The ones that make you feel alright
The kind you want to stay up with all night
You got to find your people
The ones that make you feel whole
That won't leave your side when you lose control
The ones that don't let you lose your soul
- Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors, ‘Find Your People’

Sounds great, right? Everybody wants a tight-knit group of people they can feel comfortable around and share their lives with.

It makes sense that people go searching for it online and will travel and spend good money to spend time around or even move near like-minded people.

But nobody had to think that way 100 years ago. You had your family, your church, and your community. That was your tribe.

This is a new, novel problem that we brought on ourselves. We burned up all of the social ties that create a “tribe” on the altar of individualism. Now, all of the “find your tribe” speak is just an effort to find community while remaining in a system that destroys community.

How did we lose our “tribes?”

People put both physical and ideological distance between themselves and their blood relatives.

It used to be that you’d grow up, get your education, learn your trade, work, find a spouse, get a home, and create a family all in the same place. Your siblings remained close your whole life. Your kids had their cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandparents. Your in-laws knew your parents.

Then, everybody started moving away from home for school and work, and most didn’t come back. The family might get together once or twice a year, but that’s it. Now, families have ideologically split as college, peers, and social media train young people to view their parents as “toxic” and backwards. And we wonder why we need to go “find a tribe.”

People moving away for college, work, and other opportunities damaged the long-held connectivity of localism. Mass immigration and the internet killed it off for good.

Your best friend down the street when you were a kid still lived 5 minutes away. Your school buddies and Little League teammates were the people you did business with. Your church family essentially stayed the same over the decades. Even in bigger cities, you had your part of town with familiar faces.

Now, the turnover rate is high, and the people who come in don’t share any roots or connection. We start from scratch every time. Those moving in from out of the country either bring their own community, or seek it out immediately upon arrival. Of course we don’t have a “tribe.”

Church leaders accepted pluralism in an effort to keep the numbers up, which created communities of people with no shared values

The one thing that could be a bulwark against disconnectedness in this transient world is the church. This would require churches to have a culture. We can’t have a culture without specific teachings that create shared values, though.

I’ve seen at least two cases in which adult Christians encouraged teenagers in their church to secretly disobey their parents, and offered to help facilitate the effort. How can you have a tribe with people like that?

People who have different social values, different marriages, different views on children and the home, and essentially different worldviews are going to have a hard time being a tribe. “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3). Unless we get specific in our preaching, teaching, and correction, the church can’t provide close-knit community.

So, what can we do?

The geographical part is fairly obvious. As much as you can, put down roots in a place you can stay in long-term, live close to relatives, stay at the same church, and get involved in your community.

I moved to where my family has historical roots and I can live near many family members, which has been an enormous blessing. However, being from out of town means I have to work extra hard to make friends and get involved. Lord willing, I’m going to be here until I die, so every effort to shake hands and learn names starts adding up little by little. If I do my job, my kids will reach adulthood with a network I didn’t have when I got here. In other words, they’ll have a tribe.

The ideological part is harder.

Finding your tribe requires shared values. You’re going to have to be willing to plant a flag and show the values you hold. Don’t be shy about your religious values and how you’re raising your children. Network with Christians who are pointed in the same direction you and your family are pointed.

Also, we’ve been told not to talk about politics, but in a world where everything is politicized, you’re going to struggle to find your tribe and feel comfortable with people if you have to hide what you really believe. You don’t have to be the person who posts every thought on Facebook or decks your car out in campaign stickers, but being clear about your beliefs is a good way to find like-minded people.

Finding your tribe requires bearing with one another. The New Testament pushes us to be a family, but it also acknowledges the fact that we’re going to have to put up with things we don’t like if we’re going to make it work (Ephesians 4:1-3; Colossians 3:12-14). If every disagreement or personality clash makes somebody too toxic to hang out with, you’ll soon find there’s no tribe left to be found.

Finding your tribe requires humility. One of my wife’s pet peeves in this discussion is something she often sees on moms’ groups on Facebook—they want a tribe of older women to come help them with the kids and give them advice, but they don’t want to be corrected in any way. Seeking “yes men” (or women) is no way to build a tribe of like-minded people. We’re looking for the kind of love that can correct and be corrected. There is no deep, lasting connection without the humility to accept that part of a relationship.

As I said at the top, having a group of like-minded people is an understandable desire. But it’s not going to just happen. We have to acknowledge why we don’t have it, and start putting in the work to build back what was lost.

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Notes

• This week’s Think Deeper Podcast episode - Church of Christ lingo!

• I’m making progress on my book on Christian assurance and hope to have a few proofed chapters to share with supporting subscribers in the next few weeks. Keep an eye out!