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There’s a common misconception in the headship discussion that men who advocate for man’s leadership and woman’s submission only do so out of a desire to live like a king at others’ expense.
They seem to see it similarly to the little kid who demands the biggest piece of birthday cake, or cuts to the front of the line at batting practice.
This comes from what I’ve called the Dictator/Doormat dichotomy, in which people believe a man can only choose one of those two paths for his role in the home. The dictator takes all of the blessings of being the head of the house, without any of the burden. Obviously, that is not good.
Jesus said the greatest of all would be the servants (Matthew 23:11). He got down and washed feet (John 13). He wasn’t here to be served, but to serve (Mark 10:45). So, being the head of the household does not mean living large at everyone else’s expense.
However, we shouldn’t overcorrect.
In our feminist society and the Christian world that has been indoctrinated by it, the Doormat man has all of the burdens of the household, but none of the blessings.
The buck still ultimately stops with him when it comes to making sure the family is financially taken care of. If his wife is miserable, he is supposed to say “Yes, Dear” and “I’m sorry” and live by “Happy wife, happy life.” And if she isn’t happy, it can only ever be his fault for not “stepping up.” It must be because of something he did (or didn’t do—see “the mental load”).
As for the blessings, men have been told that accepting this role would help them gain appreciation and even sexual prioritization (“Nothing’s hotter to a woman than a man who cleans the kitchen!”) but
1) it doesn’t work,
2) the wife almost never agreed to that deal, and
3) it would be an even bigger problem if she did.
What kind of relationship has the man filling out a chore chart to get some consideration from his wife? Not a healthy one. But that’s the system that is often taught, sometimes directly and sometimes indirectly. So, instead of any blessings that come with the responsibility, he becomes the constant butt of the joke and is expected to defer to his wife in all things or he isn’t “serving her like Jesus.”
This paradigm has chased a number of young men away from marriage entirely. Who would sign up for any job where you bear all the responsibility, take all of the blame, and get none of the benefits?
No, we should be able to find a balance.
The ideal is for men to sacrificially take on the challenging burden of leading the family, and to receive the blessing of being recognized and respected for doing so.
If that sounds radical… why? Why should the role of husband and father be a thankless job?
We are all effusive in our praise of mothers, and rightly so, as Proverbs 31:28-29 shows. A good husband who loves God, cherishes his wife, leads his family to obey the Word, and takes on the responsibilities of protecting and providing for the household, should be respected for who he is.
Truth be told, the Bible commands his wife to respect him even if he isn’t all those things. But the godly husband will strive to take on the burden of his task, and for that the blessing of respect should be his as well.
Getting practical
For wives
This is the way Christian women can be Sarah’s children, as 1 Peter 3:6 discusses. You don’t exactly have to call your husband “lord” as she did, but you should be showing the kind of respect and deference contained in that verse.
This kind of teaching is often countered with the charge that the wife is not her husband’s slave, or child, or whatever. No, but she is his wife, and as such God commands her to submit to Him and respect Him (Ephesians 5:22, 33). She should be in the habit of making it clear to her husband, their children, and anybody observing their interactions that she respects and appreciates him for who he is and what he does.
There’s a real beauty to be found when we abandon the feminist battle of the sexes and get back to these Biblical commands. He’s going to bear the burdens of leading and providing for the family… she can lighten that load by making him feel respected for it.
For husbands
Bear the burden, get the blessing. Seeking the blessing of being the lead man without taking on the burden just makes your family resent you. Bearing the burden while not being respected just makes you resent them. So, do your job, and communicate clearly that you and everyone else in the house will be expected to follow the Biblical commands given to each person in their role.
There’s a common thought that no good leader has to remind people of his title and authority. That’s not always true, though. Jesus did it. Paul did it. Any leader who is being undermined has to address it somehow. But there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it.
If a man is constantly pointing to his title to get his way, that’s not the right use of authority. On the other hand, if a man has to tell his wife she can’t keep disrespecting him and overriding him in front of the kids, that would be a necessary part of managing the household well.
After all, as her spiritual head, he is doing her no favors if he doesn’t take her back to the Word when she needs to hear it. At the same time, he’ll be a lot more effective at that if he’s living consistently by the Word himself.
For all of us
The church should be leading the charge against young people’s growing disillusionment with marriage. Too often we hammer men for not stepping up enough, and we make them the butt of the joke for being less competent than their wives.
What if, instead, we presented the role of husband and father as a high calling with great responsibility to be borne, yet also with great honor coming to those who do it well? What if we taught the wives and young women what a blessing it is to have a good man to lead and protect them, and how good it is for them to respect their husbands?
To do this, we are going to have to shake off decades of feminist indoctrination, and we’re going to have to drop a lot of tropes and witty quips about men from our vocabulary. This will receive no small amount of pushback along the way. That’s but a small price to pay for Godlier, happier families.
Don’t fall in a ditch
As we swing back from our long foray into feminist-structured households, there will certainly be overcorrections, with some men trampling their families in the name of headship. Keep these two things in mind: that is still the far smaller problem than the opposite, and, that misapplication does not mean we have to throw any babies out with any bath water.
The Bible is incredibly straightforward about these things, and natural revelation backs it up. A man has a great duty to his family, and he should be honored for taking it on, even if he does it imperfectly. Don’t hand him the burden while holding back the blessing.
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Notes
Join me, Dr. Brad Harrub, Will Harrub, and Joe Wilkie this weekend at the Engage Conference in Waxahachie, TX!
Go here to see the schedule and to register
The give comes from both sides and the receives are received by both also.