Complaining is one of mankind’s favorite pastimes. I have things to complain about, you have things to complain about, and so we’ll always have that in common. We hate Mondays, hot weather, cold weather, difficult coworkers, family members who don’t act the way we want them to, and so forth.
Unfortunately, this creates a perverse incentive for some people to put a magnifying glass on these grievances and “tickle our ears” by telling us how put upon we are by having to deal with the things and people we don’t like.
Every grievance has its own “Bitterness Brigade” online to commiserate and encourage one another to hate and resent the people around us.
As crazy as it is, there are people who make a living teaching others not to give grace, such as:
- Therapists who help clients blame every problem they have on things their parents did wrong, spamming words like “toxic” and “narcissist” to encourage breaking contact.
- Influencers who tell women to view everything their husbands do through a critical lens and constantly tell them how put upon they are in their marriages. Sheila Gregoire, Abby Eckel, etc.
- Influencers who tell a man that all women are untrustworthy and should be kept at arm’s length, even including the one he’s married to. Manosphere bros, MGTOW types.
- FB groups and reddit threads that will tell you that divorce and ghosting are the answer to all your problems.
- “Deconstruction” groups that will tell you to desert your church full of imperfect yet caring Christians because of a sermon you didn’t like or a rude comment from someone one time.
People will come across groups like these, feel a kinship over a common experience or two, convince themselves they’ve “found their people,” and next thing you know, they’ve blown their lives up thanks to the bad company that corrupted their good morals.
When you come across these types of groups, scroll their pages for a while and you’ll see they are almost always deeply unhappy people who attract a following of other deeply unhappy people—and remember that misery loves company.
Many of them are quite obviously just seeking validation by getting others to make the same choices they made.
Divorce is contagious because divorced people often spread their misery and tell others to look for greener grass, too. Going non-contact with family has snowballed in recent years as that is often the only tool some can loan from their toolbox. These things become social contagions long before many of the adherents stop to think if their choice was wise.
But evaluating the wisdom of our choices is the task before us.
Does God condone these kinds of Bitterness Brigades?
As always, measure the fruit.
Evaluate the influencers and commenters against 1 Corinthians 13 and see how much bearing and believing they’re encouraging. Spoiler alert: none.
Watch a TikTok video of a mom complaining about her annoying kids or lousy husband and ask yourself if she’s considering it all joy to endure her various trials, or rejoicing in the Lord always, and if she’s helping you do the same.
Read some forums about cutting off family members and see if the people there are dedicated to forgiving just as God in Christ has forgiven us.
Just slamming the door for the slightest offense isn’t the answer, no matter how many maladjusted Redditors say so. We aren’t perfect either, so we had better give the grace we hope to receive on our worst days, too.
You have to be so careful about who you’re listening to. No, you don’t have to ignore every offense a loved one commits, but even in conflict we have to start from a place of love and grace. Look at the fruits of doing otherwise and you’ll see that this kind of advice does not make one more Christlike.
That’s why enduring these hardships matters: this is our sanctification.
People are difficult. Sometimes, life is difficult. We were not promised otherwise.
We can either complain about it, and throw blame and resentment toward the people we are commanded to love, or we can see our struggles the way the Bible presents them: as opportunities to grow in Christlikeness.
We think our sanctification will come from a great worship service, or a good personal devotional time, or the spiritual high of a camp or a retreat. All of those are great. But where God really shapes us is in our faithful obedience to the day-in, day-out commands we don’t always want to obey.
A tough day with your spouse or kids is a new opportunity to submit ourselves to the Bible’s commands to love them, not be embittered toward them, and fulfill our God-given role for them. Hurt from your parents or someone in the church is a chance to learn how to bear with people. Removing your pains and obstacles won’t make you more joyful. Faithfully bearing them will.
Patience, humility, love, and grace are the answers. Finding people who will encourage our bitterness and validate our anger and annoyance is not.
If the people who have your attention online are making you more resentful toward the people you are called to love, use that unfollow button wisely.
Subscribe for free, or become a supporting reader and get digital downloads of all of my books!
Notes
My book Church Reset is just $10 on Amazon nowadays in either paperback or Kindle and has a slick new cover - Grab a copy here!
