Are Parents Responsible for Their Adult Children?

An obvious answer to a much-disputed matter

I’ve got a couple of announcements I’m pretty excited to tell you about… but first, today’s article

To what degree are Christian parents responsible for the faithfulness of their adult children, if at all?

Obviously they can’t force a 35-year-old to go to church the way they did when that son or daughter was 7. But does the unfaithful 35-year-old reflect on their parenting in any way?

This has long been a controversial issue, which is understandable as there is so much emotion involved in it. We have lost so many young people in the last 50 years that nearly everybody has been touched by the implications of this question.

The debate usually revolves around two specific passages.

The first is Proverbs 22:6, which says “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it” (NASB). Some say it’s a promise from God, others don’t. The problem is, the verse will always be interpreted through our preconceived notions. It is not terribly useful in the debate.

The second is 1 Timothy 3:4-5 (and its parallel in Titus 1:6), where an elder is required to manage his household well and keep his children under control. Long before he enters church leadership, his ability to manage and guide people will be evident in his own home.

But what if an elder’s kids were always well-behaved and went to church with him up until they turned 18, at which point they moved out and fell away? Does that disqualify him?

Many would argue no, they are on their own now and their actions can’t be held against their father. Others would argue the ability to guide children into abiding faithfulness that is not dependent on the father’s presence was the intent of the qualification. Unfortunately, this is another interpretive issue into which both sides will read their preconceived notions.

I think we can solve this entire debate by asking one question:

If parents are not responsible for producing faithful adult children, why does the book of Deuteronomy exist?

The basic setting for the book comes near the end of Israel’s wilderness wanderings as they prepared to enter the Promised Land. The generation whose parents rejected the chance to take the land was primed to conquer it under Joshua’s leadership.

Before they went in, Moses took the time to remind them of the Law and instruct them regarding life in the land of milk and honey. God was going to give it to them, but their ability to remain in the land was entirely conditional. If they remained faithful, they would flourish in the land. The blessings and curses of faithfulness and unfaithfulness were strongly emphasized.

For this reason, Deuteronomy 6 mandated generational faithfulness: “…so that you and your son and your grandson might fear the Lord your God” (6:2a). In 6:6-9 they were commanded to teach it to their children diligently day and night (“when you rise up…”). 11:19-21 repeats and expands that order: “so that your days and the days of your sons may be multiplied on the land which the Lord swore to your fathers to give them” (11:21a).

If they were going to retain Canaan, it would only be by successfully passing the faith on to their children and grandchildren.

On the other side of the coin, their punishment in the land would also be tied to their generational faithfulness or lack thereof.

When you become the father of children and children’s children and have remained long in the land, and act corruptly, and make an idol in the form of anything, and do that which is evil in the sight of the LORD your God so as to provoke Him to anger, I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that you will surely perish quickly from the land where you are going over the Jordan to possess it. You shall not live long on it, but will be utterly destroyed (4:25-26).

To protect their children’s faithfulness they were forbidden from giving their children in marriage to idolatrous people lest their children be turned away from serving God (7:3-4).

In 13:6-11 they were commanded to kill a family member—even their wives or children—who tried to entice them to idolatry. This was to cause fear in the hearts of any who would be tempted to do the same. Similarly, in 18:18-21 those who had stubborn and rebellious sons were commanded to bring them before the elders of the city to be stoned to death. “So you shall remove the evil from your midst.” No, we aren’t to do anything nearly that extreme. But it shows just how serious God was about the need to gatekeep against harmful influences to preserve cultural faithfulness.

I don’t know how a person could read the book of Deuteronomy and come up with the idea that children’s faithfulness is purely a personal choice for which their parents are not responsible.

Not only were they expected to love God and obey Him themselves, they were commanded to teach their children to do the same and protect their children from any worldly influences which would pull them away. Not only that, but they were also tasked with protecting the society from the wicked children they may have raised.

You don’t have to get too far into Judges to see that generation did not do any of these things and the pagan influences turned their families away almost immediately.

As we enter our 3rd generation of losing ~70% of our youth, maybe it’s time to learn some lessons from Deuteronomy rather than continuing to shrug our shoulders and insist it’s all luck of the draw.

They were expected to practice their religion with their children. We hope a sermon on attendance will get families to stop skipping for soccer games.

They were expected to talk about the Law with them day and night. We send our kids to the other side’s indoctrination centers and can’t find time for family devos.

They were expected to tear down idols to prevent their kids from being exposed to them. We’ve let our families sit in front of TVs and now smartphones and tablets to get indoctrinated by all of the idols of our day.

They were forbidden from allowing their children to intermarry with idolatrous peoples. We debate whether Christians have to marry Christians and if “unequally yoked” really means that or if it’s just a good idea to marry within the faith.

Then we have the gall to say it really isn’t up to the parents at all, and they won’t be accountable for the results. It’s no reflection on you or the decisions you made. It just happens.

Sure didn’t seem like God was alright with it “just happening” in Deuteronomy.

I can anticipate the objection now…

“This is easy for you to say: you only have small kids.”

Correct, I do. And I have a few thoughts on that response.

• It is downright strange to me how many people seem to be rooting for today’s parents to fail, too. Rather than hoping we find out “it’s not so easy after all,” why not pray hard for my kids and their generation to be faithful?

• Does that response imply that multi-generational faithfulness is a pipe dream and the church is doomed to losing 3/4 of our kids in perpetuity? Sure seems like it. But if that’s the case, how did the church ever grow?

• If my kids should fall, I hope I will have the humility to step aside from talking about these matters, aside from trying to identify what I did wrong. I cannot explain the level of selfishness revealed when a person attempts to prevent their successors from learning from his or her mistakes. If your kids aren’t faithful, maybe don’t try to shout down anybody who is trying to figure out which choices led the last generation astray.

So long as we insist it is totally out of parents’ hands, things won’t get better. Yes, adults are free moral agents, but the entire point of Christian parenting is to set them on the right path so their hearts, minds, and souls are intent on loving God.

If we don’t think it can be done, we won’t plan to do it. We have to make it our aim to hand generational faithfulness onto them and our grandkids, just as Israel was supposed to.

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Announcements

First, my new book co-written with Dr. Brad Harrub is out now! It’s called Transformed Faith: Living Out the Christian Worldview and features a collection of essays the two of us have written on 13 of the day’s most pressing issues.

My other current book project, Sunday School Catch-Up: The Bible Basics You Need to Know, is in the finishing stages and will be available soon. Stay tuned for details.

Second, I’ve got a personal growth Substack ready to launch for the New Year! Subscribe free at 18daysprint.substack.com and check out the first article to see why you should plan on 18 Day Sprints instead of New Years goals and resolutions.