A Mandatory Attribute for Anyone Who Wants to Grow

The only way iron gets sharpened

I don’t think you’ll find anyone who staunchly insists they do not want to grow should the opportunity present itself. But, as anyone who has tried to grow in some way can tell you, growth is not easy.

And though much of our growth is going to come from being honest with ourselves about who we want to be and how we’re going to get there, we can also get a boost from the people around us. “Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another,” as the Proverbs tell us (27:17 NASB).

The problem is, criticism and correction are hard to hear.

In our day, relationships can dissolve in an instant. When we find out someone doesn’t think we are 100% perfect, it’s easy to end the relationship, or distance ourselves at the least. When a lesson steps on our toes or the church calls us to shore up a weakness, the easiest thing to do is to move on to the next congregation.

We might even convince ourselves that the critic is “toxic” and we had to get away for our own mental health. We don’t have close relationships that spur us on to growth because we’re fragile. And, we’re fragile because we don’t have close relationships that spur us on to growth. It’s a vicious cycle.

So, the older lady at church is afraid to give the young mom pointers like God told her to lest the young woman take it poorly (Titus 2:3-5).

The church leadership is worried about confronting the straying young man about his spotty attendance lest he bristle at being told what to do.

One person slowly puts some distance between himself and a friend, because putting the relationship at arms’ length seems like a better solution than addressing some issue and risking an ugly confrontation.

Thus, we end up more lonely and cut off from personal and collective growth.

The solution?

Cultivate the quality of being approachable.

You and I can’t control how people will take it when we have tough conversations with them, but we can control our response when correction or advice come our way.

If every time someone offers advice I take it poorly, they aren’t going to do it anymore. If they don’t do it anymore, I’m shutting off a valuable resource for growth. If any time I’m challenged to get out of my comfort zone I bite back at the person who nudges me, they’re just going to leave me there.

This is why I’m working toward writing a book on Christian assurance—you need to know you’re saved, loved, and valued so you can have a rock solid foundation. And the point of having a foundation is not to have one—it’s to build upon it. If you know you have one, then you can become an approachable person, ready to learn and grow at all times.

Consider a few practical ways approachability shows itself:

Approachability means being quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19).

This is how the Word changes us. Knowing that I’m saved yet still a work in progress means I can go through every day seeing opportunities to grow. There’s no reason to be angry or defensive—just patient, humble, and grateful.

Approachability means being curious about our triggers.

Nobody likes having a flaw pointed out. But the person who wants to grow will ask why the sermon made her uncomfortable and what that discomfort might be telling her to do rather than getting angry or ignoring it.

Approachability means having an antenna up at all times.

No, we shouldn’t be hypersensitive, nor should we be controlled by other people’s feelings. However, having a feel for the direct and indirect feedback we get from those around us is one way to cultivate approachability. For example, one’s spouse and children are a pretty good barometer for how our words, actions, and attitudes are coming across.

Approachability means never being the tone police.

“I’m not saying they’re wrong, I just don’t like the way they said it” can be a valid sentiment, but too often it’s an excuse for diverting attention away from the point.

If somebody loved you enough to tell you a difficult truth despite the risk of backlash, be thankful for them. And if they said it with a mean, critical spirit but still said something useful, focus on the message and not the method, and be thankful God used them to help you grow.

Above all else, approachability means desiring to grow more than we desire to avoid criticism.

As the old saying goes, “no pain, no gain.” A great litmus test for whether we truly want to grow or only say we want to grow is what we do with painful but truthful correctives. Anything that provides us a chance to take another step toward Christlikeness should be welcomed with open arms, even if it hurts.

The more approachable we are, the more we can grow. The more approachable people we have, the more deep, meaningful, nourishing relationships can be cultivated.

Consider your approachability. Seek advice from wise counselors. Show yourself to be the kind of growth-minded person who doesn’t mind hearing tough truths.

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Notes

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