A Key Shift for the Loneliest Generation

One big reason why we can't connect

“We’re more connected than ever, yet more lonely than ever.”

Countless gallons of digital ink have been spilled, and countless hours of podcasts and TED talks spoken, all identifying, quantifying, and seeking to solve this problem.

While the issue is far too complex for a “one easy trick” clickbait solution, I do believe the first step we can all take in our own relationships is fairly obvious:

Tell people the truth.

We can’t have a close relationship if we aren’t being honest with each other.

The problem is, our postmodernist “my truth” culture has us convinced it’s the cardinal sin to tell someone they are wrong. That’s how you end up with “trans pronoun hospitality” and the idea that telling someone “No sir, you are NOT a woman” is literal violence.

We can see the ridiculousness of it all when it reaches those lengths, yes. But faithful in little, faithful in much. A society only reaches that point of insanity by first neglecting to speak truth in the little things. We can prioritize feelings, or we can prioritize truth. But we can’t prioritize both.

And if we can’t lovingly speak truth to point out each other’s missteps, we aren’t really friends.

If, when asked a question which requires a painful answer, we hem and haw or flat out lie to avoid the potential discomfort, how will trust ever be built?

Because the reality is that closeness in relationships causes friction. At a safe distance we will rarely butt heads, but the closer we get, the more issues will arise. Rather than taking that friction on as the worthwhile price of deeper relationships, we’d rather remain on the sidelines, cordial but lonely.

But even from that distance, we’ll still have interpersonal issues. At that point we have three options.

One, we can build up the fortitude to speak truth and sort through the issues. Two, we can let it fester and build unspoken resentment that causes a quiet drift. Or, three, we can turn and talk to everybody but the other person about their problems.

One of the worst feelings in the world is finding out the people around you have been venting frustrations about you to each other, without anybody thinking to invite you to pull up a chair so they can tell you about those frustrations and work through them. When there is nobody in our lives who will push that chair out for us, there’s a subconscious understanding that somebody, somewhere likely has a problem with us that they won’t say, leading to further self-consciousness and isolation.

Because if you know people are comfortable talking with you about frustrations with other people, it’s a safe bet they’ll do the same to you when you’re not there. It’s no wonder so many feel so alone.

Out of love for each other, we have to get better at gentle confrontation.

Unsurprisingly, the Proverbs told us all about this as a solution for better relationships.

“A lying tongue hates those who are crushed by it,
And a flattering mouth works ruin.” (26:28)

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” (27:6)

“He who rebukes a man will find more favor afterward
Than he who flatters with the tongue.” (28:23)

Flattery, telling people kind words we don’t believe, is a way to destroy people.

Our “yaslighting” culture that constantly insists we’re “doing our best” and “doing a great job” no matter what we do only feeds our loneliness. False validation kills. On the flip side, a culture that takes on the tone of Paul’s letters—“I love you, you’re doing well, but you do need to work on _____” is what we all need for a sense of security and belonging.

When we do that for each other, it’s a sign we value each other more than our own comfort. In a time when nearly all relationships have become self-serving, curated carefully with misused therapy-speak like “toxic” and “boundaries” any time things get actually personal, that willingness to experience discomfort is the key litmus test. That’s what a true friend brings to the table.

This is a two way street, to be sure. It takes courage to say hard truths, and it takes humility to hear them. But unwillingness to tolerate it when somebody confronts us will eventually build an echo chamber all around us. We have to realize exactly what Proverbs is telling us—if somebody loves me enough to risk blowback and tell me something I need to hear, I better never let that person go.

So, here’s how it goes.

The next time a friend says something you disagree with, speak your mind and explain why. Not condescendingly, but as a mutual partner in the conversation.

The next time you see a friend act in a way they shouldn’t, find an opportune moment and tell them. “Hey, I’m not saying you’re a bad parent but you were a little harsh with the little guy there.” “I noticed you guys have been drifting in your church attendance. What’s going on there? Any way I can help?” etc.

Don’t be a constant critic, of course. But of the two, I don’t think over-criticism is the ditch most of us need to worry about.

And when we do get into this practice, we find quickly who wants an iron-sharpening, close relationship and who just wants to be flattered. Honestly, it’s a great time saving mechanism to see who we can ever truly grow close with.

As I continue to urge that we build a Christian counter-culture that shows the world we have something they desperately lack, this particular point is key. In an epidemic of loneliness, people who feel loved and secure in their relationships will have an unmistakeable joy.

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Notes

My new Mark Bible Study Guide is up for preorder!

This week’s Think Deeper Podcast covers major evangelical trends of the last 50 years, including things like “Relationship over Religion,” “The Emerging Church” and more.