We have had 10+ years now of much-needed tough love messaging to young men.

People like Jordan Peterson have called them to step up, take responsibility, and become competent and virtuous. Various corners of the Christian world have also echoed that call.

And, in a lot of ways, it has worked.

Young men are growing more religious. Many of them want to settle down, marry, and have kids.
Laziness and aimlessness are frowned upon in ways they weren’t before.
Pornography addiction is no longer a “Most guys do it but nobody talks about it” issue. The calls to walk away and the resources to help are abundant.

There is certainly still plenty of work to do, but young men have come a long way.

But that leaves the question... who is going to challenge the women?

Who is the Jordan Peterson for women?
Where are the older Christian women who are calling Christian girls to abandon their feminism, swallow their prideful superiority complex toward men, and pursue a “gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God?”

For every stat that shows a notable segment of young men turning things around and getting serious about their lives, there’s a stat for women that goes the other way.
They are less interested in marriage and children.
They are more socially liberal and less interested in traditional morality.

And the mere suggestion that something is wrong with the way young women are being brought up, and maybe something should change, brings the fiercest backlash.

That should be the job of their mothers and older Christian women. But the problem is, these values are coming FROM the very women that should be helping root them out.

It is the older Christian women who will often lecture girls for getting married “too young.”

It is the older Christian women who will often share their un-asked-for opinion when a Christian family has “too many kids” in their eyes.

It is the older Christian women who often quietly run their homes and their churches rather than practicing the role God placed them in.

It is the older Christian women who often give the strongest pushback to the idea that young women should be encouraged toward being “workers at home” as the Bible says.

It’s great that young men are starting to turn things around. But, at some point, they’re going to need women to join them in the effort.

And that’s going to require somebody giving young women the kind of uncomfortable but vital tough love that the young men have been receiving. Where is it going to come from?

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Notes

• The latest Church Reset podcast is up! I discussed ‘The Delayed Marriage Disaster.’ Watch/listen at the link, or check the Church Reset feed on your podcast app

On this week’s stream, I examine some statistics regarding the increasingly higher ages at which Americans are getting married.

Topics:

• Discussing some possible reasons why the median age is climbing so high

• Explaining why this matters so much more than most people think

• Offering suggestions for how to help young people toward prioritizing marriage and childbearing

Watch below, listen above, or listen on the Church Reset podcast (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app).

NOTE: I’ve been doing the livestreams at 12 CT on Wednesdays, to mixed results. I’m thinking about moving to a regularly scheduled weeknight stream. Help me pick when by answering these polls!

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As summer begins, modesty becomes a topic worthy of addressing yet again. It remains one of the most controversial, and therefore most avoided, topics of modern Christian life.

(Let’s get this out of our system early: “Well men need to control their eyes!” Yeah, yeah, we all know. Everybody agrees on that one, so let’s put CS Lewis’ fire extinguisher back on the shelf and stay on topic.)

Of course, we can point to 1 Timothy 2:9-10, where women are told not to dress themselves up fancily but to be clothed properly, “modestly and discreetly,” and “as is proper for women making a claim to godliness” (NASB95).

Some will claim that the passage is solely focused on drawing attention to oneself by lavish dress. That certainly is in mind, but I can tell you something that draws attention way more quickly than a fancy necklace. That’s not being crude, that’s being realistic.

The BDAG definition of modesty includes, “a respect for convention.”1 The question then is, whose convention? A godless, hypersexualized society’s convention? Not hardly. Our standard must be higher.

But beyond the typical appeal to 1 Timothy 2:9-10, I find the word translated “licentiousness” in Jude 4 to be compelling in this discussion, too. Elsewhere it is translated as sensuality, lewdness, or filthy conduct. It can partially be understood as a lack of self-control.

Every time someone rolls their eyes at the modesty discussion, they appeal to licentiousness: “I can do what I want.” No, you can’t. We were explicitly told not to turn God’s grace into license to do whatever we want.

But as much protestation as there is about modesty, it’s really a made-up debate.

Everybody agrees that modesty is important. They just disagree about where the line is.

I mean, does anybody really want to argue that people should be free to walk naked through the grocery store? No, of course not. Should people be allowed to show up to the park in their underwear with kids around? I really, really hope that would be an obvious no for everybody.

So, assuming we’re on the same page there, we’ve established that everybody believes modesty is necessary. After that, it’s just a matter of haggling on the details. That’s where the discussion takes a weird turn.

For some reason, modesty may be the only virtue that is given situational exceptions.

Those exceptions are: formal dress situations (weddings, high school dances, etc.), the gym, and swimming areas. Lest any white knights come riding to the defense of immodest women, the latter two situations apply almost just as much to men.

Inexplicably, things that people wouldn’t be caught dead in elsewhere suddenly become acceptable in those specific instances. Shorts that are too short for walking around Walmart are considered just fine as swimwear. A top that almost completely exposes cleavage is rarely seen in a church building… unless it’s part of a white dress that’s being worn down the aisle. Why?

Imagine if we made these kinds of exceptions for lust. “Ok guys, it’s important that you don’t lust. Unless you’re at a wedding, a formal dance, the gym, or a swimming area. Then, the principle goes out the window. Have at it.”

I’m sorry, what? That’s insanity. If the principle is to have a sufficiently covered body, why should there be a pass on prom night?
Why is it okay to wear less material than underwear in public, around children?
Do the presence of sand and the ocean suddenly make that normal?
What is it about weight training equipment that makes shirtlessness necessary for men, or skin tight, midriff-baring attire necessary for women?

Isn’t the point to not draw attention to oneself and to be sufficiently covered as is becoming a Christian? Why would there be times when that is not necessary?

It’s an absurd framing that has just been commonly accepted, largely without thinking. But our standards should be higher. And, they should be consistent.

As we enter peak immodesty months, don’t lose sight of the kind of light you want to reflect to the world.

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Marco Arroyo joins me to talk about what may be the biggest advantage the churches of Christ have as the religious landscape changes.

Check out Marco's channel at ‪@IBSMarco‬

Watch below, listen above, or listen on the Church Reset podcast (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app).

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Where do Christians go after death? The options:
- Paradise/Abraham’s Bosom
- Heaven
- Unconscious rest
- Straight to Judgment Day

In exactly 100 votes (so far) in my Facebook group poll, 79% said we go to paradise. I make the case that, though that used to be the case, Christians now go to heaven at death.

See what you think, and let me know if you agree or disagree!

You can watch below, listen above, or listen on the Church Reset podcast feed (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app).

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I’m not sure how or when it happened, but somehow in recent years, Jeremiah 29:11 has vaulted into being one of the most-referenced verses in the entire Bible.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (ESV).

You’ll find the verse on cards, posters, or Facebook images. You’ll hear it in devos or at graduations. It’s become the go-to verse for reassurance and to project a bright future for young people. “God has plans for me!”

Of course, many have accurately pointed out that the verse is often used totally out of context and that it was no guarantee of prosperity in the lives of the audience, who were actually the Israelites who had been taken away into Babylonian captivity.

But that discussion has been had before, and that’s not the problem with Jeremiah 29:11 that frustrates me. There’s nothing wrong with the verse when used in its context. It’s a perfectly fine Bible verse with a valuable meaning. But the way it is commonly used puts the focus in the wrong place.

The unbalanced focus on and misuse of Jeremiah 29:11 is a symptom of a larger problem in Christianity today:

we put far too much focus on ourselves.

It’s used in much the same way Philippians 4:13 has been, putting the focus on our earthly lives and how everything will work out within them. This can create a dangerously self-focused approach to the Bible. It has lead to many modern worship songs being more focused on what God does for us than who God is.

It also is often a part of the prosperity or health-and-wealth doctrine. And, it can be a factor in people adopting the leading religious ideology in the US today, Moralistic Therapeutic Deism. In this framework, the emphasis is on living a mostly moral life (moralistic) and leaning on God for support and comfort (therapeutic) without having to submit to His absolute rule in our lives (deism).

If popular Christianity were in the right place, we’d be quoting a different verse on all of those posters, wristbands, and cards and in speeches and devotionals.

Just two verses later, Jeremiah writes “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” Yes, that verse is subject to its context as well, but it’s also a promise that is reiterated throughout Scripture (Psalm 27:8, 37:4; Matthew 6:33, 7:7; Acts 17:27).

There’s something wrong with our Christianity when verse 11 is the one that we hang our hats on in Jeremiah chapter 29 rather than verse 13.

It’s the difference between a Christianity that is looking upward to God vs. one that is looking outward to the concerns of this life. It’s the difference between humbly submitting ourselves to God’s will vs. asking Him to join us in carrying out our will.

Every verse has value, and sometimes we do need words of reassurance in the Scriptures. But that’s the whole point of why we’re using the wrong verse—the idea that there’s anything more comforting or reassuring than the truth that we can be called children of God if we simply seek Him and walk after His footsteps is crazy.

Philippians 3 and 4 illustrate that point beautifully as Paul wrote about abandoning all else to pursue Jesus and noted that because of that purpose he could endure whatever life situation he faced. True comfort comes from knowing God and walking with Him daily, not hoping He’ll pave a smooth path for our lives. Yet, we’ve decided 4:13 is the one we need to put all our focus on.

What if we started tweeting and Facebook posting the verses about seeking God above all else rather than the ones more focused on us? What if our devos and graduation exhortations emphasized that God’s plan for our lives is for us to pursue Him with all of our energy?

Maybe we’ll see less of the kind of religion that caters to man’s interests rather than God’s commands. Maybe we’ll see more young people staying engaged with church rather than having a loose relationship with God on their terms as they cease to see Him as a Being who is there to serve their lives. Maybe we’ll see the kind of deeper Christianity that carries a person through all of life’s difficulties.

And, most importantly, maybe we’ll see the kind of Christianity that makes God’s name known for who He is rather than for what He does for us.

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Notes

Think Deeper Podcast was a fun one this week: Bible Character Hot Takes.

Catch it on YouTube or go here for subscribe links

In this stream, I discussed the show “The Chosen” and explained my reasons for opposing it. Topics include:

• Are Jesus shows a 2nd Commandment Violation?

• Whose version of Jesus are we believing?

• How The Chosen challenges the sufficiency of Scripture

• The problem of surmising

• The difference between misleading preaching and misleading TV shows

You can watch below, or listen above or on the Church Reset podcast feed (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app).

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If you’re enjoying the articles and videos here at Church Reset, consider supporting my work for a few bucks a month! Go here for details

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So much has been said, here and elsewhere, about the painful lack of leadership in our day. Where are the men we can look to to lead the way and put a stop to the decline we’ve seen in the culture, the church, and the home?

As we look for such men, and as we look to build up the next generations of leadership, there’s one particular obstacle we’re going to have to overcome.

One of the biggest reasons we have a shortage of leadership:

lack of moral credibility.

The best leaders are the people we can put our trust in, and men who have skeletons in the closet or clear moral shortcomings are not the kind of people who create trust in their followers. It’s only natural for the crowd to ask questions like:

Is this person’s character consistent with his message?
Is he willing to apply his judgments of right and wrong to himself?
How is he going to lead us somewhere he isn’t willing to go?

There’s a reason elders have to be “above reproach” (1 Timothy 3:2). In any setting, if the people under a man’s authority don’t trust him, their relationship will inevitably be strained and his ability to drive change will be hindered. Of course, this extends to leaders of any kind—parents, husbands, elders, elected officials, bosses, whoever.

However, as I’ve been writing on roles in marriage, and that is humankind’s most basic relationship from which all others flow, I’m going to stick with that one for the purpose of this article.

As the head, the husband won’t be a perfect human being, but his actions should be consistent with the culture he’s trying to establish in the home. When they aren’t consistent, he should acknowledge his error and do better. But when he won’t do this…

Two things happen.

One, his wife (and eventually his kids) may take the excuse to stop listening to him. If he’s not going to live by his proclaimed standard, why should they?

Two, he won’t have any ground to stand on to call them back to the right path. And he’ll know it. Even if his sin is secret, he won’t have the confidence necessary to accurately call balls and strikes.

This is why he must constantly be putting his sins to death, whether it be a porn or gambling addiction, anger issues, unkind words, laziness and lack of discipline, or anything else he knows he shouldn’t do. He must have himself under control so his wife can trust his vision and his whole family can see he is serious about the standard he is calling everyone to live up to.

As an example, perhaps he’ll need to talk to his wife about letting some of her work around the house fall behind. If he’s not taking care of his work, though, he’ll either keep his mouth shut and they’ll both suffer the consequences of their laziness, or he’ll call her out with both of them knowing he’s a hypocrite.

Moral credibility makes the conversation so much easier. He can sympathize with her challenges and admit his own struggles, yet still rest on the point that they each have a job to do and that he’s just helping lead her to join him in a shared purpose.

One problem, one reminder

The problem

Who decides whether he has moral credibility? Those who are in subjection to the leader can’t be the sole arbiters of his moral credibility. If they are, then they are the actual leadership. It’s easy to see how this can be—and often is—twisted to oppose someone who is doing the job of leading.

When he makes difficult but necessary decisions (as we looked at here), she might start throwing out words like “abusive.” Sometimes that word is valid. Other times it’s just a weapon.

As Joe Rigney wrote, “Christians came to implicitly adopt the subjective logic of victimhood—I’m hurt, therefore you sinned”— and thereby succumbed to the tyranny of the sensitive.”1

We can’t give in to the tyranny of the sensitive. Not all criticism is valid. Moral credibility is not lost just because someone doesn’t like where a leader is going, no matter how many moral terms they can tack on to their criticism.

So, what is a wife to do? She does not have to submit if he is telling her to sin. And if he is in sin and is a Christian, there are things she can do. If he has a pornography addiction, for example, she would not be out of bounds to enlist the help of her elders out of care for her husband’s soul. (Though, it is not grounds for divorce, as we covered in the recent TDP episode).

However, his shortcomings do not make her the head. Nor do they take away his leadership. The hierarchy God established makes the man accountable to God (and to his elders, in some ways).

Her parents and/or friends are not the head. A therapist is not the head. With regard to most matters of the household, the elders and preachers aren’t the head. The husband is. As God is the man’s direct head, we should not take matters out of God’s hands and put them in our own.

Ultimately, the man has to stand before God each day and look at himself in the mirror that is the Bible to see if he is being who he claims to be. If he has what Paul calls a “clear conscience” (2 Timothy 1:3), he’s in a much better place to lead his home.

The reminder

Underlying all of this, we have to remember this basic truth: the wife must acknowledge that his authority is not contingent on his moral credibility. So much modern Christian teaching says that it is. “If he’s leading like Christ, then she’ll submit…”

As a matter of fact, 1 Peter 3:1-2 says exactly the opposite. Even if he’s not being who he’s supposed to be, she is still commanded to submit. According to God, that’s the most likely way for her to win him over.

So what should not happen as a result of reading this is for a woman to write off her husband’s leadership for some moral failing. It is far better for him to have moral credibility, but her duty is unchanged either way.

Problems solved

The beauty of it is, his moral credibility and her patient submission make any necessary confrontation so much smoother.

For a low-stakes example, let’s say he’s neglected the kitchen trash an extra day and things are starting to get piled on top. In a situation where roles are askew, she might blast him for his indolence or bug him constantly until it’s done. Or, even if she does everything politely, he might resent her reminder and feel nagged, knowing deep down she’s right but not wanting to admit it.

In a properly-ordered household, he has consulted with her to establish a household division of labor, and in that setup, he’s in charge of the kitchen trash. She can gently remind him that it’s getting a bit full. Since he is committed to setting the tone for the household and doesn’t want to be inconsistent or hypocritical, he isn’t offended at her for reminding him to do what he already said he intends to do. Rather, he thanks her for the reminder and gets the job done.

Things get more complicated with high-stakes examples, but the principles remain in place. Let’s say she has a tendency to undermine his authority with the kids. If he has a sports gambling problem, though, he might feel inadequate to call out her sins. He knows he has his own issues, and she might just deflect any correction by turning the spotlight around. Scoreboard pointing starts to become a habit.

On the other hand, when he has moral credibility that comes from a clear vision for the family that he is living out transparently to the best of his ability, he can point out to her how she’s hurting the household’s cohesion and that it needs to stop. That doesn’t guarantee she’ll listen, but it puts the conversation on a much more solid ground to begin with.

Everything in its place

So much will change for the better if we can start developing more and more leaders who are worth following. But no matter how much charisma they have and no matter how good their ideas are, they will always be hindered if there are unaddressed moral failings in their back pockets.

Men of virtue who cast a vision and then go on to embody it are what it will take to turn our world around. And that won’t happen on a large scale if it isn’t happening in the home first.

Be a man of virtue. Keep your moral credibility.

(If you’re interested in developing men of virtue and would like to help me brainstorm a bit on resources and potential in-person events, email me at jack@focuspress.org)

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Notes

As you’ve probably noticed, my output is higher than ever. Between articles, podcasts, and videos, this work is reaching thousands of people every day for at least 5 days out of every week.

It’s also a great blessing to hear that a number of congregations are benefitting from my work, whether by teaching through my books or by using articles and videos to craft lessons and sharpen talking points about the real-life challenges Christians want to hear about.

That being the case… I could use your help. Understandably, in a tough economy, supporter numbers are dipping a bit. If you or your congregation have been blessed by my work and you have the means, I humbly ask you to consider either:

• Supporting me here for $8/month or $80/year. Go here to upgrade.

• Supporting me at Bible101 for $6/month or $65/year. Go here to support.

• Becoming a personal supporter via tax-deductible donations at Focus Press. Email me for info

• Setting up support from your congregation. Email me for info

I went live to take a look at "The Salt and Light Resistance" letter and it’s bold, scary, unfounded claims about the threat of Christian Nationalism.

Find the letter here
Christian Chronicle Coverage here
Post-woke Christian's response here

Watch below, listen above, or listen on the go with the Church Reset podcast (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app).

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This week I’m joined by for a discussion of his article, “The House Church Myth.”

We examine:

• The good and bad reasons people are drawn to the house church idea

• What church history REALLY shows about what the way early Christians met

• How Christianity developed out of its infancy toward what we have today

• Some actual early church practices we might consider moving toward

You can follow Michael at testeverything.substack.com

Watch below, listen above, or listen on the go with the Church Reset podcast (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app).

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In recent years, I’ve learned of the tremendous health benefits of beef liver. Just one small serving per week catches you up on all kinds of vitamins and other key nutrients that we often lack now that the standard diet has moved away from liver and other organ meats.

There’s only one problem: beef liver smells absolutely horrible, and it tastes even worse.

There are ways you can package it to mitigate the poor flavor, with onions, sauces, and/or seasoning. You can combine it with something more palatable, like ground beef, to dilute the disgustingness—though you also dilute the nutrients per serving in the process.

The tough reality is, if you want to get the benefit in a strong enough dose, you’re probably going to have to deal with the unpleasantness.

Unfortunately, beef liver perfectly illustrates how a lot of people view Christianity.

They know it’s good for them, but obedience and dying to self are so distasteful that they either avoid it altogether, try to jazz it up with all kinds of add-ons, or mix it in with the worldly flavors they prefer so they can get still get some of the benefits without dealing with anything too hard to swallow.

Christianity isn’t liver, though. It’s an acquired taste, to be sure, but…

The more you try it, the more you realize it’s just as enjoyable as it is good for you.

In worship we often sing, ‘Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus,’ because it is. Psalm 34:8 told us that: “O taste and see that the LORD is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!”

The world doesn’t see it though, because they can’t get past the initial challenge of acquiring the taste.

As a teenager, my brother and I would have conversations with hockey teammates who couldn’t understand skipping games for worship, not cussing, or not living a party-going lifestyle. One of them literally asked, “So as a Christian, you just don’t get to have any fun?”

Most Christians—especially those who have come out of a worldly lifestyle—understand the silliness of such a question. They’ll tell you how vapid the lifestyle of living for a good time eventually becomes.

But the way of the cross is indeed foolishness to those who are perishing (1 Corinthians 1:18), as they just can’t understand that which is blatantly obvious to all who have been saved by God’s grace. What looks and smells like beef liver to the unsaved actually tastes great, once you’ve had the faith to give it a try and acquire the taste.

But this is not just a problem for the unsaved

No, this beef liver view of obedience enters all of our hearts at some point, even after our conversion. Our fleshly mindset still can take over any time the Word steps on our toes and calls us to change.

When God commands us to forgive that person we don’t want to forgive, it can look like beef liver—good for us, but completely unappealing.

Taste and see.

When we run into the Biblical principles that run afoul of our cultural programming, like what I’ve been writing about gender roles and headship, we might think it smells like beef liver.

Taste and see.

When we have to be confrontational and stand up against sin or incorrect teaching, the nerves can make it feel like we’re being asked to choke down liver. We can even convince ourselves that “the way of Jesus” actually means we’re not supposed to take a stand.

Taste and see.

It’s in those moments we must remember that even though God calls us to do difficult things, He does not call us to do things that will make us miserable. It takes time and submission to learn to do things God’s way, but as we acquire the taste we learn each time that we were missing out on the better life every single day we clung to our own way.

They’re the same picture

Jesus called us to deny self, take up our crosses, and follow Him (Luke 9:23), and He also promised us the abundant life (John 10:10).

The longer you’re a Christian, the more you learn that these aren’t separate statements. They are the means and the end, two inseparable sides of the same coin. The more we die to self, the more abundant our lives will be.

We can always look backward and see it, but it’s harder to look forward and see it.

Any teaching that hits close to home and makes us mad at the person who brought it to our attention is an inflection point: does the Bible teach this, and am I trusting that the reward for my seeking will be a greater grasp of God’s love and a happier life rather than a disgusting aftertaste?

Too many turn back or stay right where they are, afraid to take another taste of that which will only give them a better life.

We believe in God, but trusting in the acquired taste is how we believe God. As Hebrews 11:6 says, we have to believe that He is AND that He rewards our diligent seeking. The beef liver view only believes half of the verse. Faith is how we learn to believe the second half.

Taste and see that the Lord is good. And the next time the plate looks distasteful, remember the last time you tasted. God’s way isn’t just the healthiest. It’s the sweetest, too.

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Notes

This week’s Think Deeper Podcast takes on one of the most challenging, most pressing questions of our day: Is porn addiction grounds for divorce?

In the final video recapping my debate with Jeremiah Nortier on the essentiality of baptism for salvation, I examine 5 of the most absurd arguments Jeremiah made and show how many hoops have to be jumped through to deny baptism’s part in salvation.

Watch below, or listen on the Church Reset podcast (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app).

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I discuss an encouraging new study by Gallup on young men's rapid return to religion, including:

• Theories on what’s driving it

• What the stats say about young men and women’s different trajectories

• The worst thing we could do with this momentum

Watch below or listen above or on the Church Reset podcast (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app).

What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Have theories of your own? Let me know with a comment!

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As I continue to study on masculinity, femininity, and the divergence of gender roles, I have found there are three camps when it comes to interpreting Ephesians 5:22—“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

• There are those who take it literally. They are a slim minority.

• There are egalitarians who perform textual mental gymnastics to try to make the verse mean the opposite of what it says. They are a sizable, vocal minority.

• There are those who say they believe it, but functionally do not take it seriously at all. This is the overwhelming majority.

That final group is the main focus of my writing on this topic. There was a time when the husband was clearly the head of his home, but in practical terms, that isn’t really the case in most Christian households anymore.

We simply stopped believing Ephesians 5:22, and that is reflected in our view of headship and the way we talk about it.

A few weeks ago I put a call out to my Facebook group (join us!), with the following request:

As I continue the study on gender roles, I want to compile a list of as many “humorous,” commonly used anti-headship quips as I can.

For example:

“I’m the head of the household, and I know that because my wife said so.”

Over the years I’ve heard a ton of these, and so I’m sure I’m missing some now. Got any you can share?

Sadly, the responses were plentiful. Here’s what the group had to say:

• “The husband is the head, but the wife is the neck that turns the head.”

• “Best two phrases you can learn as a husband: ‘Yes dear’ and ‘You’re right!’” This “joke” was recited to me numerous times while I was engaged.

• I have seen a note that says, “All husbands choosing paint colors must have a signed note from their wife” posted at our local paint store.

• The bathroom signs that say “Men to the left because women are always right”

• “Mr. Right” and “Mrs. Always Right” matching mugs

• Men control 70% of the money in this world and women only control 30%, but women control 100% of the affection in this world so therefore they control 130% of the money.

• My X used to ask me, ‘Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?’

  And she meant it.

• I wear the pants in my house! My wife just picked them out for me and tells me when to get dressed.

• A pastor announced, “If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left”.

  All the men in the church moved to the left except one man.

  The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked, “How come your wife can’t control you?”

  The man quietly replied, “It’s my wife who told me not to move”.

• The husband says, “Let me check with the boss,” or one of his friends tells him to “check with the boss.”

• Happy wife, happy life. If Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.

• Behind every successful man is a woman telling him he’s wrong

I’ve heard almost all of those at some time or another, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you have, too. I’ll throw another one in for good measure—“Looks like your wife has her hands full with all those kids, and that one big kid!”

Many will hand-wave all of these quips away as harmless and just in good fun, but notice a few things…

The jokes don’t go the other way

If a man quipped that his wife needed to choose between being right or being happy, the word “abuse” would probably be floated by somebody. Young brides aren’t told to start practicing saying “Yes, dear.”

The whipped, henpecked, dare I say submissive husband who needs to learn to get in line is a regular feature of our cultural view on marriage, and the church has unthinkingly swallowed it hook, line, and sinker. The TV repeatedly tells us that men are stupid and immature and need to be bailed out by their wives.

Comedian Nate Bargatze is about to release his new bumbling idiot dad movie, another in a long line of Hollywood products pushing the trope. Remind me: when was the last time a poor, put-upon husband had to repeatedly bail out his incompetent wife in a movie?

To be clear, I’m not arguing the jokes should go the other way. Rather, I’m arguing that if the jokes really are this harmless and not a way to undermine Biblical roles, then people would have no problem being consistent and going both directions. In my view, mutual respect should keep us from tossing these barbs at each other.

The seriousness is undermined

This stuff matters. Homes work well when they work according to God’s design, and well-running homes lead to happy men, women, and children, strong churches, and better-run societies. So much is at stake here, but it’s a joke to us. And the results show.

On top of that, we still uphold half of the bargain. Men are expected to sacrificially care for their families, and regularly get reminded to step up and carry out their responsibilities. But then we take away the actual authority to do the job, along with any honor that comes with the role. That’s a lousy deal.

It violates the Scripture

I don’t think anyone makes those jokes with this in mind, but the end result is that the funny little quips completely subvert the Scriptures. That’s not so funny at all.

“He’s the head but she’s the neck that turns the head” and “He wears the pants, but she picks them out” obviously mean one thing: we’re going to say he’s in charge, but deep down we all know she is.

Go read Ephesians 5:22-33 and 1 Peter 3:1-7 and see if either apostle either said or implied the kinds of things we say and imply. Peter said Sarah called Abraham “lord.” We teach men to call their wives “the boss.”

The Alternative

Plenty of Christian couples don’t make those jokes, but occasionally you’ll meet a husband and wife who go the opposite direction. They constantly speak highly of each other. It’s clear to all who know them that she respects him and submits to his leadership, and he loves and cherishes her deeply.

Isn’t that better? In a world that pits husbands and wives against each other and eggs women on to disrespect their husbands (contra Ephesians 5:33) and men on to resent their wives (contra Colossians 3:19), shouldn’t Christian couples be showing a different way—a way that not-so-coincidentally makes everyone happier?

Can’t a woman appreciate the sacrifices her husband makes to lead and care for the family? Can’t a man praise his wife like the husbands in Proverbs 31 without demeaning himself and talking about how she’s his superior in every way?
Wouldn’t it be cool if young people had a positive vision of what they’re signing up for, with a young man aspiring to be a respected leader and provider for a woman he cherishes, and with a young woman aspiring to submit to and make a home for the man whose name she proudly takes?

No, instead, we joke to the young man that he better get ready to be whipped into submission. We joke to the young woman to keep him under her thumb and to use her leverage to get what she wants. Not great!

I know people really think they’re being funny with these jokes, but in practical terms, we don’t believe the Bible verses that these jokes subvert. Any time we find we haven’t believed God, the response is obvious: repent, and go a better way.

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Notes

This is the fifth in an ongoing series of posts about masculinity, femininity, and our differing roles. See previous posts linked below.

In this debate recap video, I examine 3 arguments against baptism from my debate against Jeremiah Nortier, featuring:

• The one I wish I had answered better

• The one Jeremiah thinks was his best argument

• The actual best argument that Jeremiah forgot to use

And, why they don’t hold water.

Watch below, or listen on the Church Reset podcast (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app).

You can catch the full debate on the Church Reset podcast or on YouTube here

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Spencer Hall joined me to talk about the unfortunate practice of "One strike fellowship," where any disagreement is enough to get someone labeled as "unsound" or "a false teacher."

And, we discuss how to handle disagreements in the churches of Christ

Watch below, listen above, or listen on the go with the Church Reset podcast (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app).

Check out Spencer's article on the issue here:

Spencer Hall

The Danger of One-Strike Fellowship

There is a quiet culture that has crept into many churches today—one that few will openly defend, yet many have felt the effect of. It is the idea that fellowship hangs by a thread. One wrong conclusion. One different interpretation. One perceived misstep, and suddenly, the table is pulled back! We may not say it out loud, but the message is often heard…

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2 months ago · 7 likes · 1 comment · Spencer Hall

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As you may have noticed in my recent material, there has been yet another dustup in the churches of Christ over alcohol.

To be honest, I’m quite sick of talking about alcohol itself, and I don’t feel the debates over oinos and shekar and all the other related points are worthwhile anymore. It just is what it is, and minds are made up.

These controversies reveal three much more significant underlying issues

First, their approach leaves no room for wisdom

In response to the alcohol discussion, I saw a couple of posts along the lines of, “If you think drinking isn’t a sin, why not just get up in the pulpit with a beer to show that you can?”

Well, first of all, most preachers don’t take a drink to the pulpit, save for maybe a sip of water for a scratchy throat, so that’s a weird suggestion.

But second, that could become an obvious stumbling block in the moment, which would be a sin unto itself (Romans 14:21).

And third, what do you think “all things are lawful, but not all things are profitable” means (1 Corinthians 10:23)? God wants us to use our brains.

It’s not a matter of “If it’s a sin, don’t do it, and if it’s not—go for it!” There are things that we are technically within our rights to do, but that doesn’t mean we should. How do we know the difference? We have to use wisdom. Sometimes we have to go beyond just reciting proof texts.

But that’s the problem with these guys’ approach: it’s not only that everything is black and white. It’s that everything has to be black and white, or else.

There is no room for “I wouldn’t, and I don’t think you should, but I can’t make you.” No room for “Sure, you CAN. But what choice would best honor God?” Everything is law.

But why do you think the New Testament doesn’t have a Leviticus? Why does it lack a clear enumeration of its rules like what we find in the Old Testament? Wouldn’t it have been easier for God to just spell it all out for us in one place like that?

Galatians 3:23-25 tells us that the Law was a tutor, or schoolmaster, to lead us to Christ. The idea is that we were meant to outgrow it. That doesn’t mean you outgrow obedience and holy living. It means you get to the point of doing it by instinct rather than by consulting a checklist. You’re not supposed to be calling Mom and Dad asking what you can and can’t do at 42 years old.

And when you outgrow the tutor, you can start going beyond proof texts and develop the wisdom to live by principles. Wise Christian living includes all the proof texts, of course. But it goes beyond that into “trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:10).

We have to practice a Christianity that requires us to turn our brains on, meditate on the text and the principles it gives us, pray for guidance, and seek out not just what we have to do, but also what we ought to do.

Otherwise, what we produce are a bunch of script-memorizing people who think their duty to God is fulfilled by checking a list of boxes.

Second, their approach mandates spiritual immaturity.

This approach that refuses to allow for any gray area presents itself as the mature version of Christianity, but in reality it is a result of immaturity.

Once again, little children need everything spelled out for them. Older children can learn to live by principles. They generally know what they should do before having to ask, because their parents have used their time together to hone the children’s sense of right and wrong.

According to the Scriptures, this kind of discernment is spiritual maturity. “But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil” (Hebrews 5:14).

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus showed exactly how we should use discernment, but also how the Pharisees had missed it in their immaturity. The Pharisees treated the Law like a checklist, but Jesus showed them how to engage their hearts to meet the spirit of the Law and not just the letter.

“You have heard it was said… but I say unto you…” He wasn’t changing the laws or adding to them. He was explaining the spirit of those laws that they missed because they were focused on checking boxes. It’s clear Jesus wanted them to use their brains instead of just referring to a cheat sheet of dos and don’ts.

How immaturity plays out

Thus, you end up with people constantly asking “Is it a sin?” and “But can you BIND that?” Not everything has to be a command that we’re seeking to bind. We’re allowed to teach principles and use wisdom to discern what is good, better, and best when it comes to applying those principles.

This approach is why we at Focus Press get so much pushback on pushing the importance of marriage and children, the advantages of homeschooling over public education, the good of moms staying at home, and so forth.

We are not binding any of these things. We are teaching that the Scriptural principles involved indicate these are better choices than others. There’s not just a right and a wrong, conversation over. There’s a good, a better, and a best, and it’s up to Christians to help each other work those out—even if we’re going to disagree sometimes.

Refusing to entertain such discussions and returning to Law just keeps us from developing the maturity God desires us to have. You end up with people who can recite, but not reason.

Third, their approach is based in fear rather than the joy and liberty found in Christ.

In Romans 8:15, Paul wrote, “For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’”

The approach these guys take to the Bible absolutely creates a spirit of slavery that leads to fear. That’s why I wrote a whole book on Christian assurance—because so many who have grown up in the churches of Christ have a paralyzing fear. When everything is an essential issue, and every teaching is life or death, it’s no wonder people live in constant doubt.

What if they’ve misunderstood something? Then they’re a devil-loving, truth-hating false teacher. What if they’re doing something wrong and don’t even know it? Then they’re unrepentant and hell-bound, because grace doesn’t really cover anything.

What a horrible way to live. When Christians are constantly under the burden of doubt and unable to experience the joy of the Christian life because of an approach to the text that insists there is no room for difference of understanding on even non-Gospel issues, we must say that the fruit is rotten.

If Christianity is supposed to bring a peace that passes understanding, and yet most people under a system of teaching don’t have any peace because they’re not arrogant enough to say for sure that they’re going to get a 100 on heaven’s doctrinal entrance exam, then the system needs to be scrapped.

Rethink the system

Wisdom isn’t allowed. Maturity is discouraged. Fear abounds.

This is no way to live the Christian life.

Building out an alternative is well beyond the scope of this article, but it has to be a system that gives Christians the grace and freedom to make use of wisdom, knowing full well that sometimes doing so will end up in people coming to different conclusions. They’ll answer to God for them, and you’ll answer to God for you (Romans 14:10).

Yes, some things do cross a line and break fellowship. But it can’t be everything.

We can’t treat the Bible as a script to be memorized and mastered. Treat it as a treasure map that gets you closer and closer to God the more you internalize it and practice it. Then, you can treat your Christian brothers and sisters as fellow travelers who are on the same journey, even if they take a mildly different route from time to time.

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For more on recent controversies, check out this week’s Think Deeper Podcast here

In this debate recap video, I look at the verse that those who deny baptism’s essentiality for salvation can’t get around.

And, I break down the problem with Jeremiah’s favorite defense: calling everything a “Word-concept fallacy!”

Watch below, or listen on the Church Reset podcast (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app).

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In my first debate recap video, I look back on a bizarre claim made by Jeremiah Nortier in our debate on baptism, regarding Naaman and his ability to boast in his works.

Watch below, or listen on the Church Reset podcast (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app).

And, if you’re going to Lads 2 Leaders Nashville this weekend, stop by and say hello!

For the full debate, you can view it on the Focus Press YouTube channel, or listen on the Church Reset podcast!

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A Dave Ramsey caller shared her story of her husband’s apparent misconceptions. Dave’s response gives us a perfect example of so much of what is wrong with the modern Christian view of marriage, headship, and gender.

Watch below, or listen on the go with the Church Reset podcast (Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app).

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